Fast forward to last week. Friday. It was my last practice with my voice teacher before auditioning today. I sang my songs for her. Then she said six words that changed things quite a bit: "I don't think you should audition". I quietly listened as she explained that she thought I needed to work more on my musicianship, pronunciation and artistry before I audition for grad school. Fair enough advice, especially when you consider how I've been out of voice studies. This was appropriate feedback, and though it was difficult to hear, I was thankful for her honest input. But then she went on to say that she didn't think, as a stutterer, that I should get my Masters. It was a very long speech, so I will paraphrase it. She sited reasons like 'it would be difficult for me', 'I would have to give presentations and answer questions quickly', 'I would not be accepted at the school', and 'if/when I graduated, no one would even consider hiring me as a teacher'. I told her I would consider all this.
It took me a good four days to get angry. When she told me all this, I sort of swallowed it as a very bitter, but truthful pill. It seemed realistic enough advice, and she didn't mean it cruelly. In fact, I think she meant it to be kind. But the things she said were exactly what I always feared hearing: that secret voice that says, "No one will want you because of your stutter. No one listens to anyone you say. You are a joke, ridiculous. You are broken, and unusable".
But on the fourth day, I did get angry. If I followed her logic, I would have to live under a rock or find a job that involves NO speaking. If anyone with a disability followed her advice, there would be no paraplegics in the Special Olympics, the blind would never venture beyond the safety of their homes, and no person with a disability would be hired. If I followed her logic, I would have to have to limit my dreams (and God's plans!) because of my stuttering. Not get my Masters because it's hard? What does she think- that my daily life trying to communicate is easy? Did she think I fought thru this many awkward conversations, terrible presentations and embarrassing scenarios to give up because "it's hard"?!? I got my BA with a stutter, I have been hired (and promoted!) by many companies, all of whom have said they would hire me again, I teach three students, and both of my current jobs require quite a bit of talking. Not only this, but my experience with the artistic world is quite the opposite: people are happy to hire someone who is capable but stutters. If nothing else, it's good PR! (I mean, come on, who doesn't want a cute stuttering girl as your mascot? lol terrible.... sorry). I understood the stress that would come from getting my Masters, and if it was God's will, I was prepared to meet those challenges. The issues with my singing are legit; I'm not perfect vocally and I need to grow more. But if I thought I had enough personal strength get my Masters, despite stuttering, she had no right to say differently. It was flat out discrimination, something I've never experienced so blatantly.
So, now that I was angry, I had to make a choice: audition or not audition. For a long while this week, I thought about auditioning just to spite her! I had gleeful visions of standing up there on the stage in front of the panel, and singing their (and her) socks off. In that vision, she slinks over shamefully, handing me a full scholarship. (Evil laughter... ma ha haaaa).
But then I kept thinking. I kept thinking about how I still- after three months- wasn't anxious to return to classes again. I was dreading buying the books, returning to studying, paying that hefty tuition. The only thing I was really excited about was- you guessed it- singing. So, I sought some advice from past teachers and local friends.
And I finally decided to do the anti-climatic thing and... not audition.
Why? Because, one, I don't want to get my Masters right now. I finally figured that out, after three months of praying, and after this big event. I can pursue singing without getting my Masters, and paying that hefty tuition. And because, two, if I ever do get my masters, it won't be with that school, especially if what this teacher told me is representative of the whole school's creed on disabilities. Heck to the no.
Instead, I'm planning on taking private lessons locally with a truly amazing husband and wife team. I'm very excited about the vocal growth and possibilities it will bring.
I'm feeling very at peace about the decision, and glad it's over. I knocked on that door, and it took a while, but I got my answer. "I don't want this after all". I guess sometimes you have to figure out the hard way. And sometimes God answers in a different way then you want. But that doesn't mean He doesn't answer.
And, funny how things work out- God still provided me with a great, jam-packed artistic month full of choir concerts, performances, caricature drawings and a move to a great new apartment this Saturday.
The only thing bothering me now is the question, "What's going to happen to me now?" I had a plan, and the plan fell thru. Now, I find myself in the same place I've been for the past year and a half- sameness. And I have never liked sameness. I'm always looking for the next thing, and I want the next thing asap. So, maybe God has some more patience to teach me. And in a while, He will open some new door. But, I know God is completely trustworthy, and EVER trial we encounter grows our perseverance so that we will be "mature and complete, not needing anything"(1 Peter). But, I'm sure I'm going to keep singing. It's what I do! It's what God made me for! In whatever capacity He wants, I will keep singing.
"I will sing to the Lord ALL MY LIFE; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live"
Psalm 104:33
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