I'm currently waiting back to hear from an audition I went to last night. It's sort of been an epic experience. Originally, I thought the audition was on Saturday at 8:00pm. Then I realized it was 6:15. So I practiced for quite a while on Saturday, dressed my little (*eh) butt up in 40's chic and drove all the way down to downtown Dallas. It was only when I arrived and thought: "hmm, there doesn't seem to be many cars in the parking lot. Maybe I should check my email", that I realized it said "Sunday". I felt very dumb, very novice and not at all like the aspiring professional singer that I'm supposed to be.
So, yesterday around 4:00pm, I started the process all over again: fixed my hair, got dressed up, put on make up and pearl studs and headed out the door. Made it in great time, and was soon sitting in line along with several other hopefuls, trying not to notice how at ease they all seemed, or how good their headshots looked in comparison to mine!
Then, it was my turn, and... I'm really happy and pleased with how I did. They *seemed* pretty happy with me, asked to hear both songs and said I was charming. (I say seemed, because you never can really tell what they are thinking, or who else they have seen, or who else they WILL see). Yes, there's always that heart-pounding disjointly out-of-rhythm thing, and the sudden "I don't remember the words" thing. And then the whole time I am fighting this mental battle of wanting to "give up" as soon as I make a mistake, because it's not my best anymore. That would be the perfectionist in me, darn her.
It's funny, I remember feeling like that when I was swimming. You have all of the same experiences: your heart pounds when you're waiting to get up on the block, your heart-beat skips a beat in this awful way and you start to feel sick as soon as the gun fires, and then you are in the water, always feeling like, "I wasn't ready yet!" And then the whole time you are in the water, it's so much about the mental battle. If I am doing well, it spurs me on to do better. If I noticed someone ahead of me, it made it harder to feel like there was hope of winning. Shouldn't it do the exact opposite? Competition is supposed to be a good thing, yes? So then, shouldn't it encourage me to try HARDER, not less?
I've gone on probably ten to twelve auditions since I graduated. It's really not a lot, as I have many friends who try more often. But I get so discouraged when I don't make it, or when I don't hear back, especially when I feel I've done well. But I think auditioning is a really great thing to do, especially for me. It's daring, it's brave and I need to keep doing things like that. Or else, I'll just "give up" and then regret it. But, I admit, I want instant results lol. It's been a blow to my self-confidence... oh, let's just be honest... PRIDE, that I haven't gotten as many YES's as I hoped I would.
An awful confession: I don't like to work hard for things. There, it's awful, but it's pretty true of me. That's not to say I don't work hard while at work, since I do. I enjoy working hard on things I love and that come easily. But when something is hard, my first inclination is to want to give up. I hate that about me! How lazy! And how self-absorbed to think that things should fall in my lap effortlessly. In this area, where I am not so strong, I'm lucky to have Jesse, who is remarkably hard-working. He's the kind of guy who serves without complaining and who gives generously. And when something is really difficult- anything from mowing the lawn in steaming hot, mosquito-infested conditions to working like a dog as a first-year teacher (and husband!), the guy just can bring it.
I probably won't get the part. I'd love it- I think I would do a great job and have a lot of fun. And, it's 40's music, which fits my voice type pretty well. But, there's always someone better. And there's always another audition to go to, and there's always another waiting period. But hard things are good to experience. I tend to want life to be comfortable. I like my sweat-pants, I like comfort food (fried chicken anyone?) and I want life to be handed to me on a silver platter.
Is anyone else familiar with this ugly, slackerish side? Or is just me? (oh, Lord, please tell me its not just me!)
I don't like to go through hardships. But you know what? Suffering- whether it's small sufferings like auditioning without results, to big sufferings like loosing a loved one, or getting bad news from the doctor, or waiting for a marriage to heal, produce perseverance.
Romans 5:3-5 says: "Not only so, but we rejoice in sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
So, according to this verse, all the small and big sufferings produce perseverance. So maybe I just haven't suffered enough LOL. (Crap). Don't you look back over your life and say, every so often, "that bad situation that was really hard and really painful, and it turned it taught me quite a bit"? I absolutely have. At the time, I hated it, but looking back, in the words of my father, the former-Marine: "PAIN IS GOOD".
Pain is good. Trying hard is good. Waiting is good. Failing is good. Suffering is good.
It goes against everything we want, but all these things are good and worth it in the end, especially if we grow perseverance, character and hope because of them.
I'll let you know if I get this great part, that (sigh) I really do want. And I'll let you know (a bit sheepishly) if I don't.
Mmmmmaddie out. ;)
Monday, September 17, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
I'm trying blogging again.
Not because my days aren't hectic enough- because they ARE.
And not because I think what I have to say is necessarily brilliant, because I'm sure that 99.9% of the time, it won't be. (And in that rare 1%, we'll blame on shear chance).
I'm blogging again simply because I have a LOT to say, and right now, I can't say it... at least not verbally.
The "Whoa-is-Me" Part:
A brief background for anyone who doesn't know this: I stutter. Badly. Like "has-to-resort-to-arm-motions-and-singing-through-phrases" badly. It didn't used to be this bad. In fact, during the comfortable college years, it was pretty decent, all things considered. I had my bad days, sure, where I had to give a speech in class. After that, you could find me curled up under piles of quilts, neck deep in some ultra-rich Ben and Jerry's, watching a ridiculous comedy like "A Fish Called Wanda" or the more recent (and slightly MORE ridiculous) "Land of the Lost", trying desperately to forget the day. But most of the time, I handled it well.
Since graduation- since Real World 101, outside of the happy Christian school bubble, where everyone understands, everyone encourages, everyone somehow finds encouragement OUT of your struggle, not so much. The majority of people outside of that happy bubble are not as kind, not as understanding, certainly not as willing to listen, and most annoying, tend to be dismissing. This is not to say there aren't people who are kind and willing to listen- I do have wonderful people in my life who do listen and I am so thankful for them. But, still the overwhelming feeling of not being fully understood, or the inner-pressure of not expressing tends to be pretty bad. Not to be new-agey, but it turns out self-expression is profoundly, utterly important and essential to life.
So I introduce myself as MMMMMMmmmm... mmmmmmm (however long this takes) mmmmMadeleine, I try with all my might to make my eyes seem cheerful and approachable anyway, and somehow communicate complicated things at both jobs where I am blessed to have work.
So, I will be writing. Maybe you won't be reading, but that's not really the point. The point is that IT'S OUT THERE. All <-------- THIS-------> . All the STUFF that I think about, all the stuff I WANT to talk about, all the things that bother me, all the things that make me incredibly frustrated or incredibly happy, or inspired. Are you prepared? Since it's gonna get crazy up n' herz.
Maybe you're wondering about my slightly annoying sub-title. As we've already established, the stuttering thing is true (if you think it's not, give me a call sometime. Five minutes with me and you will be ready to shoot yourself, or grow vast quantities of patience, like my wonderful husband has).
Let's break it down:
Uncensored: No, that doesn't mean I will be cursing, bad-mouthing anyone or talking about inappropriate things. I do work at a Church, and I am not an idiot. Nor, frankly, do I want to do those things. There are much snoodier words you can use than F***, S*** or A**. When I say uncensored, I mean I'm saying EVERYTHING. You know how in English class, you learn to be concise. You learn you shouldn't say in three sentences what you can say in one. In writing, yes, in real life NO. You fluent people certainly don't take that to heart in your flawless eloquent conversations speeches to me, and so I will not be shortening a single beautiful word.
Daily: Mmmm... that might be weekly, but daily in the sense that "if I have something today that I want to talk about, I will".
Rumblings: I might whine a little. But mostly I'm just gonna talk.
Eclectic: Definitely true. I'm pretty eclectic and random in my tastes. I like good food. I'm currently trying to cut out bread, which turns out, is like trying to cut out breathing. So I'm sure you will hear about that. I'm a sci-fi nerd. I love sci-fi movies, would give my right arm for them to bring Firefly back, am an avid Dr. Who-ite, and want to name my future twins Luke Walker and Leia Sky. In regards to literature, I love historical fiction and the classics. Jane Eyre is my second bible. Anyway, enough on the eclectic stuff. You get it.
Stammering: Yup. Hence the blog.
Opera-Aspiring: I love opera. I love classical vocal literature. My dream job is where I can sing for money. My favorite pieces to sing are jazz songs, German art songs, and French arias. (Stuttering doesn't hinder singing... PRAISE JESUS). I'm going on auditions still, every so often, so I'll talk about pursuing a singing career.
Newlywed: Jesse and I got married in July of this year. So newlywed as in: "we just got married and are figuring everything out and don't know ssssshhhhhhi-anything. It's a great stage. :) So you'll hear about some of that, too.
Christian: Yes! Jesus- both the reason and the purpose for my getting up and breathing each day. I can't share my faith well in real life. When boring conversations are difficult to have, important ones about the Gospel tend to be on the verge of rocket science. So I'm going to be very honest about my Christian walk. I know Christianity is incredibly unpopular right now, so that might turn off quite a few of you. But if you have good news, you have to share it, right? If I thought I had life-saving news and that if you didn't hear it, you would die, and I still didn't share it, what would that mean? What kind of crappy person would I be? At best, I'd be an accomplice in a wrongful death, right? But it won't all be just sharing the gospel. I'll also talk about my walk with God and my struggles. And i promise I won't be bashing in any way.
Again, read if you want to. Don't if you'd rather pass.
But if you read, you might glean something maybe, here and there.
And if you don't, at least it's out there.
Not because my days aren't hectic enough- because they ARE.
And not because I think what I have to say is necessarily brilliant, because I'm sure that 99.9% of the time, it won't be. (And in that rare 1%, we'll blame on shear chance).
I'm blogging again simply because I have a LOT to say, and right now, I can't say it... at least not verbally.
The "Whoa-is-Me" Part:
A brief background for anyone who doesn't know this: I stutter. Badly. Like "has-to-resort-to-arm-motions-and-singing-through-phrases" badly. It didn't used to be this bad. In fact, during the comfortable college years, it was pretty decent, all things considered. I had my bad days, sure, where I had to give a speech in class. After that, you could find me curled up under piles of quilts, neck deep in some ultra-rich Ben and Jerry's, watching a ridiculous comedy like "A Fish Called Wanda" or the more recent (and slightly MORE ridiculous) "Land of the Lost", trying desperately to forget the day. But most of the time, I handled it well.
Since graduation- since Real World 101, outside of the happy Christian school bubble, where everyone understands, everyone encourages, everyone somehow finds encouragement OUT of your struggle, not so much. The majority of people outside of that happy bubble are not as kind, not as understanding, certainly not as willing to listen, and most annoying, tend to be dismissing. This is not to say there aren't people who are kind and willing to listen- I do have wonderful people in my life who do listen and I am so thankful for them. But, still the overwhelming feeling of not being fully understood, or the inner-pressure of not expressing tends to be pretty bad. Not to be new-agey, but it turns out self-expression is profoundly, utterly important and essential to life.
So I introduce myself as MMMMMMmmmm... mmmmmmm (however long this takes) mmmmMadeleine, I try with all my might to make my eyes seem cheerful and approachable anyway, and somehow communicate complicated things at both jobs where I am blessed to have work.
So, I will be writing. Maybe you won't be reading, but that's not really the point. The point is that IT'S OUT THERE. All <-------- THIS-------> . All the STUFF that I think about, all the stuff I WANT to talk about, all the things that bother me, all the things that make me incredibly frustrated or incredibly happy, or inspired. Are you prepared? Since it's gonna get crazy up n' herz.
Maybe you're wondering about my slightly annoying sub-title. As we've already established, the stuttering thing is true (if you think it's not, give me a call sometime. Five minutes with me and you will be ready to shoot yourself, or grow vast quantities of patience, like my wonderful husband has).
Let's break it down:
Uncensored: No, that doesn't mean I will be cursing, bad-mouthing anyone or talking about inappropriate things. I do work at a Church, and I am not an idiot. Nor, frankly, do I want to do those things. There are much snoodier words you can use than F***, S*** or A**. When I say uncensored, I mean I'm saying EVERYTHING. You know how in English class, you learn to be concise. You learn you shouldn't say in three sentences what you can say in one. In writing, yes, in real life NO. You fluent people certainly don't take that to heart in your flawless eloquent conversations speeches to me, and so I will not be shortening a single beautiful word.
Daily: Mmmm... that might be weekly, but daily in the sense that "if I have something today that I want to talk about, I will".
Rumblings: I might whine a little. But mostly I'm just gonna talk.
Eclectic: Definitely true. I'm pretty eclectic and random in my tastes. I like good food. I'm currently trying to cut out bread, which turns out, is like trying to cut out breathing. So I'm sure you will hear about that. I'm a sci-fi nerd. I love sci-fi movies, would give my right arm for them to bring Firefly back, am an avid Dr. Who-ite, and want to name my future twins Luke Walker and Leia Sky. In regards to literature, I love historical fiction and the classics. Jane Eyre is my second bible. Anyway, enough on the eclectic stuff. You get it.
Stammering: Yup. Hence the blog.
Opera-Aspiring: I love opera. I love classical vocal literature. My dream job is where I can sing for money. My favorite pieces to sing are jazz songs, German art songs, and French arias. (Stuttering doesn't hinder singing... PRAISE JESUS). I'm going on auditions still, every so often, so I'll talk about pursuing a singing career.
Newlywed: Jesse and I got married in July of this year. So newlywed as in: "we just got married and are figuring everything out and don't know ssssshhhhhhi-anything. It's a great stage. :) So you'll hear about some of that, too.
Christian: Yes! Jesus- both the reason and the purpose for my getting up and breathing each day. I can't share my faith well in real life. When boring conversations are difficult to have, important ones about the Gospel tend to be on the verge of rocket science. So I'm going to be very honest about my Christian walk. I know Christianity is incredibly unpopular right now, so that might turn off quite a few of you. But if you have good news, you have to share it, right? If I thought I had life-saving news and that if you didn't hear it, you would die, and I still didn't share it, what would that mean? What kind of crappy person would I be? At best, I'd be an accomplice in a wrongful death, right? But it won't all be just sharing the gospel. I'll also talk about my walk with God and my struggles. And i promise I won't be bashing in any way.
Again, read if you want to. Don't if you'd rather pass.
But if you read, you might glean something maybe, here and there.
And if you don't, at least it's out there.
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