Auditioning, Suffering and the Slacker

      I'm currently waiting back to hear from an audition I went to last night. It's sort of been an epic experience. Originally, I thought the audition was on Saturday at 8:00pm. Then I realized it was 6:15. So I practiced for quite a while on Saturday, dressed my little (*eh) butt up in 40's chic and drove all the way down to downtown Dallas. It was only when I arrived and thought: "hmm, there doesn't seem to be many cars in the parking lot. Maybe I should check my email", that I realized it said "Sunday". I felt very dumb, very novice and not at all like the aspiring professional singer that I'm supposed to be. 

      So, yesterday around 4:00pm, I started the process all over again: fixed my hair, got dressed up, put on make up and pearl studs and headed out the door. Made it in great time, and was soon sitting in line along with several other hopefuls, trying not to notice how at ease they all seemed, or how good their headshots looked in comparison to mine! 

      Then, it was my turn, and... I'm really happy and pleased with how I did. They *seemed* pretty happy with me, asked to hear both songs and said I was charming. (I say seemed, because you never can really tell what they are thinking, or who else they have seen, or who else they WILL see). Yes, there's always that heart-pounding disjointly out-of-rhythm thing, and the sudden "I don't remember the words" thing. And then the whole time I am fighting this mental battle of wanting to "give up" as soon as I make a mistake, because it's not my best anymore. That would be the perfectionist in me, darn her. 

      It's funny, I remember feeling like that when I was swimming. You have all of the same experiences: your heart pounds when you're waiting to get up on the block, your heart-beat skips a beat in this awful way and you start to feel sick as soon as the gun fires, and then you are in the water, always feeling like, "I wasn't ready yet!" And then the whole time you are in the water, it's so much about the mental battle. If I am doing well, it spurs me on to do better. If I noticed someone ahead of me, it made it harder to feel like there was hope of winning. Shouldn't it do the exact opposite?  Competition is supposed to be a good thing, yes? So then, shouldn't it encourage me to try HARDER, not less?

      I've gone on probably ten to twelve auditions since I graduated. It's really not a lot, as I have many friends who try more often. But I get so discouraged when I don't make it, or when I don't hear back, especially when I feel I've done well. But I think auditioning is a really great thing to do, especially for me. It's daring, it's brave and I need to keep doing things like that. Or else, I'll just "give up" and then regret it. But, I admit, I want instant results lol. It's been a blow to my self-confidence... oh, let's just be honest... PRIDE, that I haven't gotten as many YES's as I hoped I would. 

      An awful confession: I don't like to work hard for things. There, it's awful, but it's pretty true of me. That's not to say I don't work hard while at work, since I do. I enjoy working hard on things I love and that come easily. But when something is hard, my first inclination is to want to give up. I hate that about me! How lazy! And how self-absorbed to think that things should fall in my lap effortlessly. In this area, where I am not so strong, I'm lucky to have Jesse, who is remarkably hard-working. He's the kind of guy who serves without complaining and who gives generously. And when something is really difficult- anything from mowing the lawn in steaming hot, mosquito-infested conditions to working like a dog as a first-year teacher (and husband!), the guy just can bring it. 

       I probably won't get the part. I'd love it- I think I would do a great job and have a lot of fun. And, it's 40's music, which fits my voice type pretty well. But, there's always someone better. And there's always another audition to go to, and there's always another waiting period. But hard things are good to experience. I tend to want life to be comfortable. I like my sweat-pants, I like comfort food (fried chicken anyone?) and I want life to be handed to me on a silver platter. 

      Is anyone else familiar with this ugly, slackerish side? Or is just me? (oh, Lord, please tell me its not just me!)

      I don't like to go through hardships. But you know what? Suffering- whether it's small sufferings like auditioning without results, to big sufferings like loosing a loved one, or getting bad news from the doctor, or waiting for a marriage to heal, produce perseverance. 

Romans 5:3-5 says: "Not only so, but we rejoice in sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

       So, according to this verse, all the small and big sufferings produce perseverance. So maybe I just haven't suffered enough LOL. (Crap). Don't you look back over your life and say, every so often, "that bad situation that was really hard and really painful, and it turned it taught me quite a bit"? I absolutely have. At the time, I hated it, but looking back, in the words of my father, the former-Marine: "PAIN IS GOOD". 

    Pain is good. Trying hard is good. Waiting is good. Failing is good. Suffering is good. 

      It goes against everything we want, but all these things are good and worth it in the end, especially if we grow perseverance, character and hope because of them.

I'll let you know if I get this great part, that (sigh) I really do want. And I'll let you know (a bit sheepishly) if I don't. 

Mmmmmaddie out. ;)