God's Love For Zombies

If you know me even a tiny bit, you will probably know that I am afraid of zombies. Ghosts, ghouls, vampires even swamp monsters I can handle. But the idea of zombies terrifies me. It is actually a little funny: I do a lot of things differently because of my fear of zombies. For instance, I specifically chose my loft apartment because it's on the second floor (easier to protect). And I know what to first in the event of a zombie outbreak (block any entrances, fill the bathtub with water as you don't know when the supply will be cut short, and turn off the lights to avoid attracting attention). So, yes, I'm a little ridiculous about it. 

I think what really scares me about zombies- besides the idea of being eaten or trapped- is the symbol of the breakdown of society and how the survivors literally canabilize each other to stay alive. Perhaps more horrifying is the idea that we could easily be bitten, and then we would be the zombies: dead but walking, hungry for fellow-human flesh. I imagine the life (I use the word liberally) of a zombie is pretty awful: no consciousness (I hope!), mindless roaming and chowing down on human flesh... pretty gruesome.

Now that you know the depth of my fear, I can write the following sentence knowing that you will understand the full gravity of what I'm saying:

We all are (or once were) zombies.

In Ephesians 2, the Apostle Paul says the following:

"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath."

We were all born into spiritual death. Since the Fall, since we left the Garden because of our own disobedience, we have been spiritually dead. And like the cinema zombie of today, we've walked around endlessly trying to fill our  spiritual hunger. We've hurt people because of our need to fill that hole. There is no cure to make us alive again and save us from following this fate.

Until... 

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved."- Ephesians 2:4&5


God made a way for us by sending His Son to die to save us. For some reason I will never fully grasp, God never gave up on us. He came down to us to live the same life, and then as the perfect sacrifice, He gave us His life, so we wouldn't have to be dead any longer.

Lord Jesus, 
Thank You for what you did on the cross. Thank You for showing us a better way to live, not the "empty way of life that is handed down to us by our forefathers", but a New Life. Help us understand the depths of Your grace and love more and more in every aspect of our lives. And, most of all, thank You for never letting go of us, even when we most deserve it.
Amen.

Messed-up Lady Emotions and Artistic Angst

Tonight I am angry. You ladies will know why so I will just hint that it is "lady troubles" and leave it at that. Jesse knows that it is lady trouble time, and he keeps his distance. I like that- in fact, this is what I asked him to do (that and ply me with chocolate, which he has done), but then when I see him enjoying himself alone, it angers me. Ah, lady time. In my mind, I see a hulked-out Madeleine, ready to "Maddie smash". It's up to Jesse to find the perfect balance of "I love you and will cuddle you, but not so much that you feel smothered, and I will not do anything to make you feel annoyed". Poor man. Good thing this doesn't last long.

I will also blame my poor eating choices today on my lady time. Well, poor 'choice' rather. I did really well at lunch (blackened chicken salad) and even better at dinner (salmon, green beans, mushrooms filled with cheese/pepperoni), but for breakfast... when I went into the kitchen at work, there sat a box of donuts. I wasn't going to "go nuts" with the donuts, but then I saw a vanilla-icing donut with happy little sprinkles. Sprinkles, it turns out, must be my downfall, because I had devoured the entire donut before I even remembered the "low-carb" thing. Donuts are low carb... right?

On to the topic of tonight, which isn't what I promised in the last entry (shhh....). Does anyone else have mad quantities of creative projects constantly circling through their minds? I swear- subconscious artistic me must be a crazy person. One second, I am intent on painting a winter miniature for our first Christmas card. The next, I am convinced I need to paint my desk. But wait- wasn't I going to finish that stained glass project? No, not until I master the art of watercoloring portraits. I can do that in a single painting, right? But wasn't I going to try acrylics? No- first the Christmas card. Or maybe the desk... AHHH!

Are creative sides naturally this sporadically ADD, or is it just mine? If the creative psyche were as organized as the logical psyche, it would get much more accomplished. Or maybe if the logical side just agreed to HELP the creative side once or twice. I envision my Logical Psyche as a businessman, balding  but brilliant, fantastically organized down to his days-of-the-week underpants. He does not want to associate with Creative Psyche, who, I'm sorry to say, looks and acts like a meth addict and just wants to create, be it on a canvas with oils or a wall with spray paint. If the two could just team up and help each other create/organize more together, well then, we'd be somewhere. Maybe we wouldn't be featured at the Louvre, but we'd at least have a finished piece of art, instead of a dozen works-in-progress.

Or maybe it isn't that Logical Psyche isn't trying to help; maybe he is helping with all his might, but he's simply not strong enough to help out his crazed friend. That seems like it could be true of me. It's a good thing I'm married to Jesse, who is very organized. Hopefully, he can keep me calm and rational when all I want to do is fingerprint, but I have to go to work. :)

(By the way, he's doing a good job. He's happily working on his new work iPad yet still giving me a sweet little smile every so often).

Okay, thanks for reading. This is now the end of whatever this post was about (it seems to be about messed-up lady emotions and artistic angst).

I should try to work on the Christmas card idea.

Or maybe I should paint my desk?

An Operatunity (hee hee)

It's been a nice weekend. Today's services went really well without anything eventful or disastrous happening. Things between Jesse and I have been nice and cuddly (*yes "cuddly" is the main adjective that springs to mind... it might be the happy fall weather!), and life continues to skip by at the usual pace. No slowing down, very few things to break up the monotony, no "breaks" (fall, spring, summer or otherwise) as I was accustomed to as a student. Adulthood continues to rear it's mature sarcastic face and say to my naivety: "Welcome to real life".

An interesting turn-of-events: I went to sing for vocal teacher at SMU. I was awfully nervous. It's intimidating enough to go sing for people when you ARE in-voice, so imagine how I must've felt walking into SMU- one of the snobbiest and, well, best schools around. I found a parking space (after 30 minutes, thank God I left early), and walked to the Fine Arts building, enjoying the familiar and seductive college scene. Barefoot students passed me, arms full of books, discussing literature and professors. In the music department, the sounds of violins and oboes wafted in the air... even their scales sounded perfect. Dang, I am out of my league. But I went to my appointment, prepared for a pretty big embarrassment, and instead was pleasantly surprised.

It's true; my German was rusty, my rhythms a little off, but my voice, surprisingly, was still there. I made my high notes. My tone was even. It felt like normal, like returning to riding a bike after a few years. That's not to say it was perfect- as the vocal teacher said, my larynx was a little high, which made for quite a bit of breathiness (hhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhh). But she seemed to like my voice, saying it was whimsical, pretty, youthful and energetic, very "french" (as in, 'would be good for french songs'), and that she thinks I am a soubrette or a light lyric soprano. When I sang, she nodded in approval and gave very positive feedback. After vocalizing me (warming up to as high as I could go- which was shockingly- still a E-flat- I thought I'd lost my top notes!), she said I have more notes there that I could achieve if I worked on it and worked on loosing my fear of high notes. Best of all: when I commented on how out-of-voice I was, she said, "No, you're not out-of-voice, you are simply out of practice. There's nothing wrong with your voice. There's no tension [I don't know about that... but, hey, ok!], your breathing is great, your french is perfect [!YAY!], you just need the icing on the cake". Thank you, John Brown University music department, for your hard work!

So, I now have a voice lessons with a wonderful teacher! We're going to work on tailoring my repertoire to be more soubrette-friendly. Currently, my repertoire is all over the map. This was great for undergraduate studies and I enjoyed singing those pieces. But some of those songs aren't a good fit for me. I love "Habanera", and loved the chance to sing it, but no one would ever hire me for the role of Carmen. I'm no mezzo. But Mozart operas, Handel, french songs, I can do. And apparently- new fact learned for the day- companies don't like to see variety on a musicians' resume. They like to see that you have a specific voice type and that you can sing it well. As she said: "People aren't very imaginative. It's up to you to tell them who you are and what you can do". Brilliant advice, huh? Pretty good for any career choice and interviewing situation.

Honestly, all that said, I don't know if I want a career in voice. I know I LOVE singing. I know I want to do these lessons. And, as Jesse said after he saw me directly after this audition, I "lit up like a firefly" when I told him about singing. But I'm going to wait before I decide if I want to get my masters. A bachelor's degree is expensive enough. My current loans are going to haunt me til into my late thirties (which is still far enough away that it is daunting). If I'm going to add more onto that bill, I have to be darn sure that this is the direction I want to go in AND that the Lord has for me (the second being more important).


Next week's episode: Discontentment. I'm excited. It's gonna be a doozy.

Feeling sick, another audition and broccoli cheese soup

I left work early today feeling very much like what my husband felt the other day- sick and rundown. I got home, was promptly sick, napped, rallied and then re-arranged the furniture in the living room. When you live in a small space (all 650 sq feet of it- including stairs), the cramped feeling can drive me nuts. So, I have to re-arrange every so often. Plus, it helps force you to clean the room, too.

I have another "audition" tomorrow. Maybe "audition" is the wrong word. The correct word would be an opportunity. I'm meeting with a vocal teacher from a local college to sing for her and discuss what she thinks of my voice. It's a great opportunity- kind of horrifying- but I am also incredibly excited. Fortunately, I've already explained how out-of-voice I am, so at least she won't be under any misconceptions about my voice. ... but still--- eek! I'll let you know how it goes!

I found a great new recipe for Creamy Broccoli Soup. It DOES have 2 tablespoons of flour, so it's not completely carb-free, but it's pretty close. Plus, Jesse liked it a lot. I figure if a MAN likes it, it's hardy enough.

Ingredients:

3 cups chicken broth
1 head of broccoli, cut up
1/2 onion, chopped
1 cup milk
2 tablespoons flour
1 cup shredded cheese (the recipe says optional, but I say "must have")
1/2 dried oregano
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:
1) Bring broth to boil. Add broccoli and onion. Cook for five minutes, or until broccoli is tender.
2) In a separate bowl, slowly add milk to flour, and mix until well-blended.
3) Stir flour/milk mixture into broth mixture. Cook, stirring constantly, until soup is thick and bubbly. Add cheese; stir til melted. Add seasonings. Done.

It's a really quick meal, and pretty dang good.

Tomato pie and Decisions

Tonight, after work I came home and cleaned like a banshee. We're living in a 650 square foot apartment. When you take into account that we're both messy and, as an artsy person, I have art projects lain strung about the apartment, the place gets messy quickly. I swear: overnight little messy elves come out and throw clothes everywhere and re-dirty the dishes. So, I ran thru the place quickly (fortunately a clean up goes really fast), then made my dinner while watching episodes of Futurama.

Dinner tonight: 

Artichoke

Fried Talapia

Edisto Beach Pie (without the pie)

I really recommend the pie: it's nothing but tomatoes, grated cheese, mayonnaise and spices. 

Simply slice about 3 tomatoes (depending on the amount of servings), mix a cup of grated cheese with a cup of mayonnaise. Layer tomatoes with cheese/mayonnaise and spices (salt, pepper, oregano) as many times as you want to fill the pan (I did two layers today) and bake at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes. If you want to make a real pie, just buy a pre-made crust and fill the shell with the ingredients; same deal. Below is the finished product:

The finished product: artichoke with melted butter, fried
talapia and edisto beach pie

After that, I was feeling a little creative, but I didn't have enough energy to go get all my art supplies from their various corners about the room, so I got the nail polish. I'm in a Halloweeny mood. Can you tell?

The left hand- no way I'm showing you
the right hand, as it was very complicated
to draw those mini pumpkins left-headed.

Yes, it's a little ridiculous. Which is just what I wanted :)

_________________________________________________________________________________

Serious Time:

I've been struggling with contentment lately over a few aspects of my life. Or, maybe another way to say it is, I've been wanting some things in my life to be different. The question I'd like to pose is this: how to we discern when something in our life:

A) Is a situation sent by God for a specific purpose (aka: for our own personal or spiritual growth, for ministry opportunities, etc), and therefore should be accepted and we should try to find contentment and "bloom where we are planted"...

OR

B) Is a situation in which we have freedom to change if we don't like, or would rather be elsewhere.

To the non-christian, the answer is simple: "Do what you want".  That's what our generation shouts pretty much constantly. It's our natural inclination. We want to do what we want to do, and answer to no One. 

But I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I have given Him my heart and my life. This means I am called to "pick up my cross" and follow Him, to "lose my life so I can find it" and to live sacrificially with eternity in mind. 

So what's the balance? You can't be too extreme about either one. If you are too extreme about doing what you want, you risk missing out on God's spirit. If we live only for ourselves and for we want, we miss out on ministry, we become self-absorbed, we live the unquenchable selfish life that is never satisfied. If we are too extreme about listening to the Holy Spirit (or rather, over-spiritualize decisions), we are crippled in our decision making if we don't "feel" an answer, we run the risk of sacrificing things God hasn't asked us to sacrifice and we could miss out doing what we love and what we were built for, ultimately for God's good purpose. 

I guess what the best thing to do is to prayerfully pursue what you feel you are gifted in. After all, God gave us gifts to USE them. So, I'll knock tentatively on a door, and if I get a knock back, I will knock harder. If the door opens, and I've prayed about it, I have the freedom to walk thru it, yes?

Unfortunately, I am notoriously shy about pursuing things I want. That, and I am ridiculously idealistic, so much so that if something doesn't fall in my lap, or God's voice doesn't boom from the sky in a thunderous affirmation, I don't want to walk forward.

How do you all know when a decision is right?

Spaghetti Squash and married life

Hello, all.

This week was not a great for the low-carb diet. I didn't follow it as strictly as I did last week. But I didn't forsake it all together.

A few nights ago I made spaghetti and meat sauce ... out of Spaghetti Squash. You can find the squash at the local grocery store (I went to Kroger). It's yellow and oval shaped, and around $3.00. What you do is this: You split it in half long-ways, remove the seeds, put on a cooking sheet facing down and bake for 45 minutes at 350 degrees. Then flip over and bake for at least ten minutes. After that, soak the squash faced down in water for 20 minutes. Finally, take a fork and strip through the squash, making long string-like "pasta" strands. Add butter and salt to taste (which for me, means drenching).

The outcome: not great. Jesse ate it, since Jesse's great like that, but we both agreed I wouldn't make it again. I think I might've saved some time and bought a regular squash, diced and cooked it, and poured spaghetti sauce on it. The texture of the spaghetti squash is just not spaghetti-like. There seems to be a big flaw in the health world: if something LOOKS like some other food item, it should have the same name. Not so. Let's go by taste, people.

Besides all that, life is going well. I've had more free time, which I have spent painting, so, gotta love that. Married life is happy. We've been married now for a "whopping" three and a half months. Every so often, I look at him and think, "this man is my husband"! We're discovering more about what makes us similar and what makes us see things differently. I'm experiencing my first football season as his wife, which I imagine to be similar to being the wife of an addict lol. The man breathes football. And we enjoy our time together. We giggle and laugh at stupid stuff very few people would laugh at. Plus, can I just say, cuddling is just the best thing ever.

So, anyway, here's to the start of a new week, a new opportunity to get back on the diet completely, and a new week of marriage.

WEIGH IN

Well, I woke up early and scrambled to get to the medical office, and consequently, the scale I've been using. The result? 162- I lost three lbs this week! Easiest week ever. I ate when I wanted, and ate well, and I didn't change my exercising- I walked twice last week, same as usual. 

That concludes with the good news. The rest of the news is this: after happily congratulating myself on the 3 lb weight loss, I went to the break room/kitchen to get some coffee, and there, laid out before me were gourmet donuts. I caved. Very easily and with very little hesitantcy. You see, as I knew I was going to the Texas State Fair (and was prepared to splurge a little), my gluttonous side demanded a donut. So today, it would seem, was my splurge day (except for lunch, because I ate a salad).

Dinner consisted of fried EVERYTHING. It's the Texas State Fair, and so you HAVE you try all the fried things they have. This year had quite a few things. Jesse and I walked around (and walked and walked, so at least we got some exercise) and shared the following items: fried snickers bar, fried Macaroni n' cheese sliders, a mediocre grilled cheese sandwich (with the bread!), root beer, funnel cake, pretzel and, the most atrocious of all: fried bacon cinnamon roll. 

In a word: gross. I cannot wait to eat my carb-less diet tomorrow. This was a splurge day (and I probably gained all three lbs back lol), and we have to have these every so often. But these are not the norm, and I miss my chicken and lettuce and cheese and eggs and, you know, food items that don't leave you greasy and bloated. 

Next weigh in is next Wednesday. I won't be listing my calories this week, but I will be including low-carb recipes that I try. Now that this diet is not such a novelty (to you or to me!), I'm gonna just do it, give you updates every so often, and keep on with other, less obnoxious topics.

K. Good night. I'm exhausted, bluberous from that food, and bone-tired from my 3.5 hour walk.

-Me

Day 6- A weekly review

I know, I know, I've skipped around a bit. But I thought I should at least write on this day, which is the day before I weigh in for the first week. That's right, I've done this for 6 days... not a vast amount of time, but still, impressive for me. Think about it- a week without crackers, a slice of bread, a banana, etc. It's definitely a change.

Some Thoughts:
#1) There are a lot of great substituting recipes you can use that taste perfectly great. I'll go into that this next week. I just stocked up at the grocery store, so I hope to present some really good low-carb recipes that you will enjoy also (if you feel inclined to try it).
#2) This low carb diet, and consequently, this high protein diet, is pretty satisfying. I eat much more cheeses, veggies and meats then I ever have. I don't have to feel guilty about using butter in my cooking, and I can use fattening dressings on my crouton-less salads. Also, like a true man, I think Jesse is enjoying the inclusion of more meat to his diet. Right now, for instance, in my refridgerator I have: bacon, breakfast sausage, hotdogs, pepperoni, burger meat, and salami. Typically, there would be no meat whatsoever, as I usually just eat fish... because preparing meat meals tends to scare my limited cooking abilities away.
#3) I'm missing bread less and less. I was thinking the other day, as I gobbled down a protein style Cheeseburger from In-And-Out, that I couldn't remember what biting into a burger with the bun tastes like. I remember it being more filling, but not less satisfying.

So, Week One weigh-in is tomorrow. I admit, I am nervous.  I'll let you know how it goes, for better for for worse. I should say now, I feel good. My stomach area is certainly smaller and my face looks thinner. And I'm fitting into my fantastically comfortable jeans, which I haven't taken off since Saturday lol. My scale at home is unreliable. It's five lbs lighter than it should be, so, unfortunately, I can't believe it. But the gradual scalings have revealed: "less than before", so I take that to be good news.

Okay. Good night all.
Much love.

Day Three and Four (I got lazy)

Sorry guys, I got lazy yesterday and didn't update. So I don't remember what exactly what I ate,  I know I stayed just below 30 carbs for the whole day until I went to Pei Wei. There, I got the chicken lettuce wraps, which I assumed would be very low in carbs. I mean, it's chicken and lettuce, right? How carb-filled can it be? VERY, it turns out. If I had eaten the whole plate (which I didn't, whew), it would've been 620 calories and 68 crams of carbs! I ate half, so I ate 36 grams. Not really that bad, but it did piss me off.

Anyway, onto Day Four...

As it was Saturday, I splurged a little.
Breakfast: scrambled eggs, two slices of bacon, 4 fl oz of orange juice, 368 calories and 15.7 grams carbs
Lunch: Cheese, 138 calories and 3.8 g carbs, pepperoni, 158 calories and 0 carbs, and seven rice cracker chips 26 calories and 6.3 carbs.
Dinner: Ensenada Chicken Platter, 663 calories and 23 g carbs. We got this at Red Robin, and it was the only dish under 30 carbs! The salads were all very high, obviously the pastas and delicious burgers were a no go, as were the mint chocolate brownie milkshakes...
Snack: Jesse didn't feel very well and was needing some ice-cream, so I went out and grabbed us some frozen yogurts, which have 23 calories and 8 carbs per fluid ounce. I got six (roughly a cup), so I ate 138 calories, which I thought was pretty low, but it had....48  carbs. Needless to say, I'm feeling that difference. I feel pretty bloated tonight and learned my lesson. "No Fat" does not mean you can't gain weight from it.

So today: 1491 calories and 96 carbs. Not so much a success. Back to NO sugars tomorrow.

But the good news: I am fitting into my size 8 jeans! And, if my terrible scale can be trusted, I've lost 3 lbs. I weigh in at the half way point on Tuesday, so I'll post that then. The weigh in helps re-motivate me. No more frozen "fat free" yogurt for me.

Day Three

I woke up today and got on the scale and was rewarded by weighing a pound less! Get it! That certainly helped with motivating me. Unfortunately, an impediment arose that hindered this day from being completely successful, and that would be... sour patch kids candy. I found a bag in my cabinet that had a few left (all the orange ones, which I usually dislike, but to my sugar-deprived brain, they were like heaven itself). Before I knew what had happened, I had eaten the remaining sour candies, about sixteen. Then I flipped the packet around and looked at the nutritional information, and realized I had, in one foul swoop, ruined my carb count for the day! Dang sneaky little delicious candies.

Breakfast: rice cake and peanut butter: 223 calories and 11.3 carbs
Lunch: Caeser dressing, iceburg lettace, tomato, onion, cheese, pepperoni: 427 calories and 21.8 g carbs
Dinner: Cheeseburger double, protein style: 520 calories, 9 carbs
Snack: rice cake and peanut butter: 223 calories and 11.3 carbs
Evil Snack: Sour Patch kids: 150 calories, 37 carbs

Total 1,543 calories and 69.1 carbs... would've been 32.1!!! ahh, regret.

K, night. Jesse needs attention.

Day 2

It's incredibly late and I am incredibly tired, so I will make this short.
A brief synopsis of today: work at the medical office was crazy and full of running and going back over old records. Then, choir practice at a friend's church- they are performing The Messiah and I have joined up. :) It was very exciting to be singing Handel again, despite the melismas reeking havoc on my out-of-shape voice.

Today was not as happily carb-less as the day before. Yes, I still managed to eat less carbs and stay away from the beautiful chocolate cake they brought in for lunch (my powers of self-control are saintlike... ha ha). But, I was drained today and missed the "I'm full" feeling. But, whenever I asked myself honestly if I was hungry, the answer was "no".

So breakfast: 4% cottage cheese, 55 calories, 1.5g
Lunch: Chicken kabobs, mixed veggies and greek salad (yeah): Total 468 calories , 15.3 g
Dinner: Tomato soup, 320 calories and 22 g (I thought this would be less grams of carbs than it proved to be, darn it), and blue cheese salad 192 calories and 15 g.

Today's Total: 1,035 calories, 53.8 grams of carbs

So, the day was a success :)
I think I need to put more fat in the diet though. According to my research, it's a mistake to go to lean on the calories during the first two weeks.

Im thinking an In-And-Out Cheeseburger protein style tomorrow. mmmm....

Day One.

Okay, going on with the last post, I've decided to write a little bit each day of the next two weeks of my  low-carb diet! I promise to be completely honest. This will help me accountable when that cookie smell wafts through the air, or I get sad and immediately want fried chicken to soothe my spirit (which, any southern girl could tell you, it has the inexplicable power to do). 

It's Day One of the low-carb diet. (Do you also hear dramatic music in the background?) Well, technically, it's day two, but last night Jesse and I got ice-cream, so like a true procrastinator, I'm moving Day One to today. Ta-da! 

I'm happy with how today went. So much so, that I'm convincing myself I should put up the day's devourings, so you can see them. I will undoubtably regret this tomorrow, or the next day, if I am too weak to resist something deliciously carb-y. 

As it's Day One, I guess that means I should give you my beginning weight, which seems very cruel and self-inflicting, but here it goes: 165 lbs. I'm 5'6" and have quite a bit of muscle so that should give you some idea of what we are dealing with. The goal is 145 lbs. I hide it well, as I'm pear-shaped, and can wear skirts and look pretty decent. But I'm missing the feel of jeans, wanting some of the weird arm fat to leave, and just all around tired of saying "I'm going to loose weight", and then not. As the daughter of a Marine, this lack of self-discipline simply will not do. Plus, I'm starting to know tricks like "if you're wearing a skirt and don't want your thighs to chafe from rubbing together all day, rub some deoturant on your inner thighs and it won't hurt". Yes, it works, but it's just depressing. Plus, I'm rubbing the fabric of my inner thighs on my favorite pair of scrubs, and it just won't do. 

Anyway, here are the results from today:

Breakfast: skipped- not purposefully- I slept late and needed to rush to work. In the wee hours of the morning, even eating is superseded by the desire to sleep "just one more minute".

Lunch: Like many medical offices, drug reps come and bring lunch every so often (a great but dangerous perk!). Today, they brought Genghis Grill stir fry, snap peas, rice and cookies. I ate the stir fry and snap peas without rice. A grand total of: 121 calories and 11 grams of carbs. But after that, I was still hungry, and I knew that unless I had a good lunch, I would be tempted by those fresh cookies. So, off to Panera Bread I went where I ordered a Creamy Tomato soup (without croutons it's 11g of carbs less) and a pickle spear. They brought it to me with bread... which was a temptation- thank the Lord it wasn't hot and steaming, or I would've caved. So I happily ate my soup and two pickle spears, totaling: 325 calories and 13 grams of carbs.

Dinner: I made Talapia (147 calories, 0 carbs), which I fried in butter- yes, I can do that on this diet- (200 calories, 0 carbs) in a fish fry (0 calories, 7 carbs), cauliflower mashed potatoes (69 calories, 3.5  carbs- which I finally NAILED! It tasted amazing. The secret is in not overcooking the cauliflower and not pureeing it. I'm starting to like it more than the traditional potato, as afterward, I don't feel like I'm a gigantic sleepy slug of a woman. See this recipe to try: 

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/george-stella/mock-garlic-mashed-potatoes-recipe/index.html

It's great and a great substitute for the real thing!). As I had quite a few tomatoes in the house, I also made my favorite Edisto Beach Tomato Pie, without the pie. It includes mayonnaise, cheese, tomatoes of course, and seasoning. Amazing, and it comes to 292 calories and 3.6 grams of carbs. 

Snack: I'm thinking I'll eat a piece of chocolate before bed, 80 calories, 6 carbs.

Grant total today: 1,234 calories and 44.1 grams of carbs!

Day One: SUCCESS. I feel full, satisfied, energetic and hopeful. 

Now, I only have to do it again for 13 more days... Also in 13 more days, I'll weigh in, and put my actual weight down... Oh Lord. 

The Evil Word... Diet. or, "The bread-loving girl gives up carbs"

It's been forever since I posted. There are a couple reasons for this: one, writer's block, two, lack of time, and three, I had writing projects due for work, which demanded precedence. 

Life has recently been about: rushing to get church work done, working at the medical office, being involved in two choirs, finding time for fun art projects (yay!) and spending time with Jesse. Besides that, there seems to be little time for anything else. 

I've been TRYING to eat a low-carb diet, but I've been finding it very difficult. This may sound silly, but I'm realizing what an emotional attachment I have to my food, or specifically, to bread. I know a lot of people that are "sweet" people. They crave the candied rush of sugar. While I love a good cookie and have a special fondness for key lime pie and apple crumble, I really love salty carbs. Pretzels. Pasta. Rolls. Chips. You get the picture. 

I don't know how familiar you are, reader, with just how many carbs are in our daily diet. From a young age, I remember learning about the food pyramid, which shows bread as lowest and most important tier (false). I don't want to go into into the science of how bread makes us fat (there are lots of documentaries and books I could offer if you want the information), but suffice it to say: breads and sugar make us fat. The body doesn't know how to break down carbohydrates, so it turns it to sugar and sends it directly to be stored as fat. The premise of of this diet is our body craves fat. Animal products, byproducts, healthy fat and leafy greens are where it's at. If we eat these things, we give our bodies time to tap into our excess fat storages and burn it off. 

Prior to this diet, here is what I would eat (and what I would think as healthy-ish):

• Breakfast: bowl of cheerios, toast, banana and orange juice
• Lunch: sandwich, chips, an apple and maybe a soft drink
• Dinner: Pasta with red sauce, broccoli and chicken, glass of milk
• After Dinner Snack: bowl of popcorn

Doesn't that seem like a reasonably healthy meal? I thought so... until you factor in how many calories AND carbs are in that day: just over 3,000 calories, 416 grams of carbs... that's a pretty bad day. Well after eating like this (with the occasional cheeseburger and fries thrown in like a reasonable person) and exercising about 3 times a week, I was seeing ZERO results- even slowly, over years, gaining weight!

This diet.... has had to completely reshape the way I eat. I've added a lot more protein to my diet and a lot more vegetables, which has been good and actually, quite tasty. But leaving out the bread leaves me feeling like I've left a part of my soul away lol. You'd think I was Italian or something.

Meal now (if I'm good and stick to the diet):

• Breakfast: piece of bacon, boiled or scrambled eggs, strawberries, big glass of water
• Lunch: Salad with chicken, any fattening dressing, no croutons, apple, maybe soup (no noodles!)
• Dinner: Talapia cooked in butter, broccoli with butter, cauliflower mashed potatoes or squash
• Snack: piece of chocolate

The reasons why this diet is great:

This diet naturally has fewer calories- this day would be 1,184 calories and it has fewer carbs: 56.8. And I am still eating quite a bit of fat: any vegetables I eat are cooked in butter, I've started cooking my fish in butter (crazy good- so much better than olive oil!) and I'm snacking on things like pepperoni, berries and nuts. I'm never hungry on this diet, and if I am, I eat fat and am satisfied.

The reasons why this diet sucks: 

1. It's expensive for a newlywed couple (or for poor people in general!)
2. The food generally takes more time to prepare
3. Eating out is difficult
4. and for me personally, it's depressing and more challenging then just counting calories. 

I can count calories like no bodies business. I did that to prepare for the wedding, and it was painstakingly slow-moving and gave me no energy. And, because I was cutting out fat, I was MORE hungry, causing me to eat more bread, and halt weight loss.  

I've never realized how much I depend on that "I am ridiculously full" feeling to be content. It's been sort of a spiritual discovery for me. I'm seeing how much I rely on comfort food to help me feel better when I am sad, or frustrated, or angry. So, this diet has certainly given me the opportunity to lean more on Christ.

That said, I haven't been great at following it. It's hard to break lifelong habits and it's not that practical for my go-go-go lifestyle. I haven't kept it strictly, and so I haven't seen much results on the scale, but I have seen results in inches. But I've certainly been cutting back in carbs and at least sticking to under 100 grams of carbs a day. This week's goal is to stay at or below 50. I'm writing it down so I hold to it lol. In fact, let's write it in bold and make it a font larger:

THIS WEEK'S GOAL IS TO STAY AT OR BELOW 50!!!!

I'll write back about the results next week. :)


This post wasn't really interesting. It was more of a crazy weight conscious lady moment. Sorry lol. 

Auditioning, Suffering and the Slacker

      I'm currently waiting back to hear from an audition I went to last night. It's sort of been an epic experience. Originally, I thought the audition was on Saturday at 8:00pm. Then I realized it was 6:15. So I practiced for quite a while on Saturday, dressed my little (*eh) butt up in 40's chic and drove all the way down to downtown Dallas. It was only when I arrived and thought: "hmm, there doesn't seem to be many cars in the parking lot. Maybe I should check my email", that I realized it said "Sunday". I felt very dumb, very novice and not at all like the aspiring professional singer that I'm supposed to be. 

      So, yesterday around 4:00pm, I started the process all over again: fixed my hair, got dressed up, put on make up and pearl studs and headed out the door. Made it in great time, and was soon sitting in line along with several other hopefuls, trying not to notice how at ease they all seemed, or how good their headshots looked in comparison to mine! 

      Then, it was my turn, and... I'm really happy and pleased with how I did. They *seemed* pretty happy with me, asked to hear both songs and said I was charming. (I say seemed, because you never can really tell what they are thinking, or who else they have seen, or who else they WILL see). Yes, there's always that heart-pounding disjointly out-of-rhythm thing, and the sudden "I don't remember the words" thing. And then the whole time I am fighting this mental battle of wanting to "give up" as soon as I make a mistake, because it's not my best anymore. That would be the perfectionist in me, darn her. 

      It's funny, I remember feeling like that when I was swimming. You have all of the same experiences: your heart pounds when you're waiting to get up on the block, your heart-beat skips a beat in this awful way and you start to feel sick as soon as the gun fires, and then you are in the water, always feeling like, "I wasn't ready yet!" And then the whole time you are in the water, it's so much about the mental battle. If I am doing well, it spurs me on to do better. If I noticed someone ahead of me, it made it harder to feel like there was hope of winning. Shouldn't it do the exact opposite?  Competition is supposed to be a good thing, yes? So then, shouldn't it encourage me to try HARDER, not less?

      I've gone on probably ten to twelve auditions since I graduated. It's really not a lot, as I have many friends who try more often. But I get so discouraged when I don't make it, or when I don't hear back, especially when I feel I've done well. But I think auditioning is a really great thing to do, especially for me. It's daring, it's brave and I need to keep doing things like that. Or else, I'll just "give up" and then regret it. But, I admit, I want instant results lol. It's been a blow to my self-confidence... oh, let's just be honest... PRIDE, that I haven't gotten as many YES's as I hoped I would. 

      An awful confession: I don't like to work hard for things. There, it's awful, but it's pretty true of me. That's not to say I don't work hard while at work, since I do. I enjoy working hard on things I love and that come easily. But when something is hard, my first inclination is to want to give up. I hate that about me! How lazy! And how self-absorbed to think that things should fall in my lap effortlessly. In this area, where I am not so strong, I'm lucky to have Jesse, who is remarkably hard-working. He's the kind of guy who serves without complaining and who gives generously. And when something is really difficult- anything from mowing the lawn in steaming hot, mosquito-infested conditions to working like a dog as a first-year teacher (and husband!), the guy just can bring it. 

       I probably won't get the part. I'd love it- I think I would do a great job and have a lot of fun. And, it's 40's music, which fits my voice type pretty well. But, there's always someone better. And there's always another audition to go to, and there's always another waiting period. But hard things are good to experience. I tend to want life to be comfortable. I like my sweat-pants, I like comfort food (fried chicken anyone?) and I want life to be handed to me on a silver platter. 

      Is anyone else familiar with this ugly, slackerish side? Or is just me? (oh, Lord, please tell me its not just me!)

      I don't like to go through hardships. But you know what? Suffering- whether it's small sufferings like auditioning without results, to big sufferings like loosing a loved one, or getting bad news from the doctor, or waiting for a marriage to heal, produce perseverance. 

Romans 5:3-5 says: "Not only so, but we rejoice in sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

       So, according to this verse, all the small and big sufferings produce perseverance. So maybe I just haven't suffered enough LOL. (Crap). Don't you look back over your life and say, every so often, "that bad situation that was really hard and really painful, and it turned it taught me quite a bit"? I absolutely have. At the time, I hated it, but looking back, in the words of my father, the former-Marine: "PAIN IS GOOD". 

    Pain is good. Trying hard is good. Waiting is good. Failing is good. Suffering is good. 

      It goes against everything we want, but all these things are good and worth it in the end, especially if we grow perseverance, character and hope because of them.

I'll let you know if I get this great part, that (sigh) I really do want. And I'll let you know (a bit sheepishly) if I don't. 

Mmmmmaddie out. ;)

I'm trying blogging again.

Not because my days aren't hectic enough- because they ARE.
And not because I think what I have to say is necessarily brilliant, because I'm sure that 99.9% of the time, it won't be. (And in that rare 1%, we'll blame on shear chance).
I'm blogging again simply because I have a LOT to say, and right now, I can't say it... at least not verbally.

The "Whoa-is-Me" Part:

A brief background for anyone who doesn't know this: I stutter. Badly. Like "has-to-resort-to-arm-motions-and-singing-through-phrases" badly. It didn't used to be this bad. In fact, during the comfortable college years, it was pretty decent, all things considered. I had my bad days, sure, where I had to give a speech in class. After that, you could find me curled up under piles of quilts, neck deep in some ultra-rich Ben and Jerry's, watching a ridiculous comedy like "A Fish Called Wanda" or the more recent (and slightly MORE ridiculous) "Land of the Lost", trying desperately to forget the day. But most of the time, I handled it well.

Since graduation- since Real World 101, outside of the happy Christian school bubble, where everyone understands, everyone encourages, everyone somehow finds encouragement OUT of your struggle, not so much. The majority of people outside of that happy bubble are not as kind, not as understanding, certainly not as willing to listen, and most annoying, tend to be dismissing. This is not to say there aren't people who are kind and willing to listen- I do have wonderful people in my life who do listen and I am so thankful for them. But, still the overwhelming feeling of not being fully understood, or the inner-pressure of not expressing tends to be pretty bad. Not to be new-agey, but it turns out self-expression is profoundly, utterly important and essential to life.

So I introduce myself as MMMMMMmmmm... mmmmmmm (however long this takes) mmmmMadeleine, I try with all my might to make my eyes seem cheerful and approachable anyway, and somehow communicate complicated things at both jobs where I am blessed to have work.

So, I will be writing. Maybe you won't be reading, but that's not really the point. The point is that IT'S OUT THERE. All <-------- THIS-------> . All the STUFF that I think about, all the stuff I WANT to talk about, all the things that bother me, all the things that make me incredibly frustrated or incredibly happy, or inspired. Are you prepared? Since it's gonna get crazy up n' herz.

Maybe you're wondering about my slightly annoying sub-title. As we've already established, the stuttering thing is true (if you think it's not, give me a call sometime. Five minutes with me and you will be ready to shoot yourself, or grow vast quantities of patience, like my wonderful husband has).

Let's break it down:

Uncensored: No, that doesn't mean I will be cursing, bad-mouthing anyone or talking about inappropriate things. I do work at a Church, and I am not an idiot. Nor, frankly, do I want to do those things. There are much snoodier words you can use than F***, S*** or A**. When I say uncensored, I mean I'm saying EVERYTHING. You know how in English class, you learn to be concise. You learn you shouldn't say in three sentences what you can say in one. In writing, yes, in real life NO. You fluent people certainly don't take that to heart in your flawless eloquent conversations speeches to me, and so I will not be shortening a single beautiful word.

Daily: Mmmm... that might be weekly, but daily in the sense that "if I have something today that I want to talk about, I will".

Rumblings: I might whine a little. But mostly I'm just gonna talk.

Eclectic: Definitely true. I'm pretty eclectic and random in my tastes. I like good food. I'm currently trying to cut out bread, which turns out, is like trying to cut out breathing. So I'm sure you will hear about that. I'm a sci-fi nerd. I love sci-fi movies, would give my right arm for them to bring Firefly back, am an avid Dr. Who-ite, and want to name my future twins Luke Walker and Leia Sky. In regards to literature, I love historical fiction and the classics. Jane Eyre is my second bible. Anyway, enough on the eclectic stuff. You get it.

Stammering: Yup. Hence the blog.

Opera-Aspiring: I love opera. I love classical vocal literature. My dream job is where I can sing for money. My favorite pieces to sing are jazz songs, German art songs, and French arias. (Stuttering doesn't hinder singing... PRAISE JESUS). I'm going on auditions still, every so often, so I'll talk about pursuing a singing career.

Newlywed: Jesse and I got married in July of this year. So newlywed as in: "we just got married and are figuring everything out and don't know ssssshhhhhhi-anything. It's a great stage. :) So you'll hear about some of that, too.

Christian: Yes! Jesus- both the reason and the purpose for my getting up and breathing each day. I can't share my faith well in real life. When boring conversations are difficult to have, important ones about the Gospel tend to be on the verge of rocket science. So I'm going to be very honest about my Christian walk. I know Christianity is incredibly unpopular right now, so that might turn off quite a few of you. But if you have good news, you have to share it, right? If I thought I had life-saving news and that if you didn't hear it, you would die, and I still didn't share it, what would that mean? What kind of crappy person would I be? At best, I'd be an accomplice in a wrongful death, right? But it won't all be just sharing the gospel. I'll also talk about my walk with God and my struggles. And i promise I won't be bashing in any way.


Again, read if you want to. Don't if you'd rather pass.

But if you read, you might glean something maybe, here and there.

And if you don't, at least it's out there.