The Genocide Continues

I stumbled across a silly fluff piece of an article today which I thought would provide a little entertainment. It was about things you shouldn’t say to a pregnant woman. (You can read the article here, if you are worried about pregnancy-related faux pas: http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/12-things-never-pregnant-person-190600930.html). I thought that might be useful, as a couple of my friends are pregnant now, so I started reading. Then I came across a statement that was short, sweet, to the point and funny. The statement was as follows: “Pregnant people already feel large, because they’re actually two people”. I started moving on to the next sentence only to stop abruptly. I stopped because, suddenly, I realized how unintentionally and remarkably controversial the statement was. Two people. I wondered how many readers chuckled, accepted the statement without question and moved on. There are two people in there. I wondered how many of those people are pro-choice. 

                I’m often stopped in my tracks by how paradoxical we can be when it comes to deciding between two very different terms that I believe mean the same thing: fetus and baby. One term is impersonal, almost alien. It brings to mind a mesh of cells and half-formed non-working organs. It’s parasitical and unwelcome. As a society, we are okay with killing fetuses. The other term is deeply intimate and maternal. Baby. We coo over them, hold them gently, sometimes roll our eyes at a screaming one. Baby, above all, is alive, loud, kicking, sweet-smelling- human. As a society, we are not okay with killing babies.

                You see this dichotomy everywhere. A doctor screws up a delivery and the baby is killed. Society reacts: “horrible, terrible doctor, who could kill a child!?” An abusive husband hits his pregnant wife, causing a miscarriage: society reacts: “horrible, terrible husband, who could kill a child!?” A psychotic killer murders a pregnant wife who longed for her child and spent years trying to get pregnant. Society reacts: “horrible, terrible human being, who could kill a child!?” Conversely, a woman decides she wants to terminate her pregnancy. It doesn’t matter the reason: perhaps she was raped, perhaps she is underage, perhaps she already has children and can’t afford one more, or perhaps she’s simply not quite ready for children. When someone questions her right to do so, society shouts, “horrible, terrible timing, who can live with a child?”. We are society and the plain truth is we are completely horrified by the death of babies and we are completely accepting of the death of fetuses. 

                Not seeing the connection yet? Okay. I’ll play the Devil’s advocate for a moment and switch up one of my examples. What if the murdered woman didn’t long for her child after all? What if the child was a mistake? What if she was on her way to an abortion clinic when the psychotic killer murdered her? If the murderer was caught and the case went to trial, what sort of effect would it have on the man’s sentencing? How should the jury respond when they hear the woman was on her way to have an abortion? The jury room would be a hot mess that day. ‘Sure, the lady was going to get an abortion, but there is something heinous about murdering a pregnant woman’. If found guilty, how many years will the judge sentence him? How many people is this man guilty of killing?

                The fact of the matter is, the real question within the “fetus or baby” debate is: “who is human?”  Who is protected by human rights and who is not? Whenever I have a conversation with a pro-choice individual, I always ask them if they personally okay with abortion. Everyone I have ever spoken with or overheard has always said sometime to the effect of: “Well, personally, I don’t know if I would do it. But, I do think we should let the woman have the choice”. This always throws me for a loop because it shows something truly bizarre about our culture: we are comfortable letting someone decide who is human and who isn’t. Think about that for a moment. Think of all the world atrocities from ancient history to current daily life that have occurred when someone in power pointed to a smaller group and says, “you there: you aren’t human. You are less than. You are vile and unwanted here”. Think of the millions of murders, the enslavement, the rapes, the injustices that have happened from the beginning of time until now. Think of the genocide! Hitler was able to kill millions during the Holocaust (Jews, Romani, Soviet prisoners, homosexuals, the mentally retarded, resistance) because he had persuaded the people of Germany that those people were the cause of their problems. He made them less than human. He declared the Arian race the most advanced in the world and murdered those who didn’t reach his criterion. The Khmer Rouge killed between 1.7 to 2.5 million people during the Cambodian Civil War from 1970 to 1975. Between 500,000 to 1 million ethnic Tutsis people were murdered in the Rwandan Genocide only twenty years ago! These are only three examples out of all of history! This is what happens when people in power decide who is human, and who is less than. As a species, we prove this over and over, with no different results. In arguments separate from that of the abortion debate, we wholeheartedly agree that people choosing who is human and who isn’t is unacceptable. We all agree killing other human beings is bad. But then we don’t bridge the gap. We willingly give the right to choose if someone (a fetus/ a baby) is human to it’s/his/her mother. We have given the person in power the LEGAL RIGHT to decide if the person dependent on her is human or not.

               

             I'm not going to go through the physical evidence that shows that fetuses are, in fact, babies. There's tons of evidence everywhere. If you have even a scant amount of time, just a few minutes of research will show how soon heartbeats begin, when eyelashes are formed, when dreams begin to happen. I just want to point out that the only real difference between a fetus and a baby seems to be location: if the child is within it's mother, it's a fetus, and if the child is outside the mother, it's a baby. I'm just going to give you this fact:  in the U.S. alone, 1.2 million fetuses/babies are aborted each year. And we are okay with that. This just proves to me that humankind is just as fallen and depraved as it ever was. The genocide still continues, whether we call it that or not. Whether or not you call them "fetuses" or "babies", I hope you give this some thought.

It's OCTOBER?.... WHA? When did this happen?

Oh my gosh, my last post was in late July and it's now October! Looks like I am terrible at keeping up with blogs (or just fantastically busy). Well, the good news is that since so much time has passed, much has happened and I have tons of news.

First off, things have been very good. I feel very blessed in my life currently; in my marriage with the charming, funny and adorably frustrating Jesse Einfalt, in my community at church and in my friendships, in my work and interests, in my relationship with the Lord. It's been busy, so I feel like I'm enjoying all these aspects of life while on a roller coaster. Relationships take time to cultivate and keep healthy, and with how busy things have been, I don't have as much time as I'd like to spend time with friends- or with Jesus! Jesse and I are able to make time for each other as we run at our current hectic pace, but that's the only relationship that is really blooming. Again, I attribute this to busyness, but it also shows I need to learn how to balance my spiritual life along with being a wife. Jesus and I are doing well, but I still crave extended silent, quiet, alone time, and that opportunity hardly ever happens.

Here's the news:

• Jesse and I were in the Music Man this summer, which was very, very fun. It was great to get to sing and act a bit, and I love that we have that interest together. What a blessing!
• I'm continuing to take voice lessons from a truly awesome husband and wife team. They have been so gracious with me and I have learned so much! I'm working on one Mozart aria and a German art song. This Christmas, I'll sing a duet with the wife at her church. Having these voice lessons twice a month has been a wonderful thing for me emotionally and musically. After such a "traumatic" experience with my last teacher, it's great to have healthy student-teacher relationships. Plus, it's always good to keep your instrument active and to keep learning.
• Jesse and I auditioned for a L.A. based caroling company called, Goode Time Carolers last month. They company started up in Dallas last year and this year they needed to expand because of their success last year. I went in nervous, because since I graduated from college, very few auditions have actually produced a role or work. This time was different (!) and I am happy to say that for the first time in my life, I can be considered a professional singer, or aka: a singer who gets paid to sing!!!! Holy Moses, that's exciting! We have to memorize 70 songs, so that's been a challenge, but we are enjoying ourselves immensely. I get to wear a truly magnificent costume, Jesse and I get to sing together (more bonding time), I get to put this on my artistic resume, and best of all- we have our Christmas Card this year (us in costume!).
• This is very very new news: I just might have an art gig. I might be painting the sets for a local show in the upcoming season!  Again- a paid thing.... which means (technically), I'm a professional artist too, right? lol. Maybe in a couple more years... :)

Here's the biggest piece of news that's happened recently: I'm changing my work situation. Coming this November 11th, I'll be starting full-time at the medical office, and resigning my position with Woodcreek Church on the 13th. This was a huge decision process for me. I don't like decisions- never have. Choosing what to eat is hard enough, so imagine me coming to the conclusion that working in the church ministry I love, with the amazing Kidcreek ladies I adore... is no longer what I should do. When a full-time opportunity at the medical office arose, the pros simply outweighed the cons. When that starts to happen, you have to pray about it and make sure you aren't deceiving yourself. But, after much prayer, discussion with Jesse, and seeking advice from brilliantly wise family and friends, I felt an immense sense of peace about the entire thing. It's a hard transition, and it's still hard leaving the position, especially when I've enjoyed it so much. But, this is the right decision for Jesse and I. This decision will lead to a shorter work week, a larger paycheck, more time to slow down and to pursue more art and singing opportunities. If we decided or needed to move one day, I would be able to find a job in this field. I really enjoy the work, and there are tons of advancement opportunities. So yes, it's a hard transition, and I will MISS the church work hugely, but I'm happy with where God seems to be leading here.

So, that's what's going on right now. It's a pretty exciting time, and I feel very blessed right now. That's not to say life hasn't had it's hard moments. My stuttering is what I would characterize as "out of control bad". It's been that way for a while... I think I haven't gotten help because I'm afraid it won't work. But, I'm at the point where, now that I'll have more time (and more money for therapy), I'm going to pursue it. This has been the one truly difficult thing right now. I don't want to get into it to much, because it worries and upsets me deeply, but it's been so bad that I swear I'm inventing new ways to stutter lol. That is, my stutter is changing. There are much more blocks than repetitions, and my chest is so tight that I can't catch my breath. I'm horrified at these changes, and I easily become ashamed at how bad it's gotten. If you think of me, please pray for me in this area. It's been a hard struggle.

Additionally, Jesse's grandfather, Ned, passed away this morning. Although I only met him a few times, he struck me as a very kind and gentle man. I wish I had more time to get to know him better and spend more family time together. We'll be driving up to Nebraska this weekend to attend his funeral. Please pray for traveling mercies and for comfort for his wife, Marilyn and his children. Death makes you realize how important it is to love on everyone in your family. I'm so grateful I'll get to see mine soon.

Love to you all,
Madeleine

Hippy Post and Good Thing About Stuttering #1

I don't know about you, but often times, I receive the most spiritual encouragement from nature. I don't mean to say that I don't find Scriptures encouraging, or hanging out with other believers. I absolutely do. But Jesus must know about my inner nature-loving artistic hippy self, and so he sends good things to me thru nature. Seriously, how can enjoying God's creation do anything else but point to how majestic, creative, detail-oriented and constant God is?

Anyway, today as I walked in the already sweltering humidity (I don't love EVERY aspect of creation lol), I was hearing the early birds calling out to each other. I'm sure to the homeowners who live in that area, those birds must be very obnoxious. But there were two of them and they were singing in tandem. It reminded me of Bible verses that suggest that all nature is praising God every hour of every day. It might be "silent" to us, but every so often I get a glimpse of it. Today it was like I could understand those little birds, and it was something like this:

First bird: "Good morning! What a beautiful day! The Creator made another day for us to enjoy and praise His Name!"
Second bird: "Yes, good morning! I'm always scared that the night will last forever, but He always brings a new morning for us. How wonderful he is!"

Yes, I'm being a little silly, but you get my meaning (I hope). All Creation was subjected to the curse (read Genesis) and it longs to praise God fully, just like we do. That's just really cool and amazing to me.

So there I revealed a very hippy, kum-ba-ya, fantastical Madeleine. Hopefully it didn't put you off and it can encourage you a little.

This post has another purpose as well.

Last week, I was fortunate enough to get to go to the Echo Conference, a Christian organization that ministers to church artists, storytellers, and "geeks" as they called them (sound, lights, tech people). It was really an encouraging time of great advice for the job and also great spiritual advice to creative people. One of the break out sessions was about the lies we believe about ourselves, "I'm not good enough", "God can't really use me in ministry", "[this] aspect of my life makes me useless". They suggested that to refute those inner voices (because NO one's inner voice is positive, is it?), you should write down scripture to refute it.


Well, I've been believing some lies lately, particularly about my stuttering. Mainly, that "I am useless because of my stutter. I am ineffective, slow and ridiculous". It's easy to feel that way when practically all your experiences all day long point in that direction. Stuttering has been ... um.... honestly?.... driving me (pardon my french, but hopefully this word will accent just how bad it's been) ... bat shit crazy. I don't know who first put those words together to form a phrase, but bat shit crazy seems accurate. I don't know if it means I'm standing in bat shit and it's drove me crazy, or some insane bat just when haywire and shit relentlessly on my head. Regardless, that's how it's been. Now, hopefully you will get a chuckle out of that. But because of all this, I've decided I should write one positive thing about stuttering each day for... oh... maybe five days. Hopefully I can come up with new material. But if nothing else, it will help me focus on the good things that can come from being showered in bat shit.

Good Thing about Stuttering #1

I'm in good company. Here are some poeple who stuttered that you might not know of: James Earl Jones, Marilyn Monroe, Carly Simon, Emily Blunt, Mel Tilis, Bruce Willis, James Stewart, King George (if you want to see more, click here: http://www.stutteringhelp.org/famous-people-who-stutter).
Anyway, my favorite person who stuttered is Moses.

The guy is about as useless and fearful as can be. He killed a guy, ran away to a whole other country, spent the majority of his life hiding out in the desert watching sheep, and begged God not to send him to free the people of Israel. People give Moses a lot of flack, saying how terrible it is that he asked God so many times to "send someone else". Let me just say, that besides the being a murderer thing, I totally get the level of fear Moses has. He says, "Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and of tongue."

Man, I get it. I believe the same lies. Just because I'm not eloquent, this must mean God can't use me. Just because I'm freakishly awkward means that God can't use me to speak about His grace. Just because I am "slow of speech and tongue", this means I am not an effective sharer of the Gospel.

So what does God do in response to Moses' pleas? After getting a little frustrated with the guy, he says this: "Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you to speak and teach you what to say!"

Yup, that's right. God makes people deaf, mute, blind and stuttering. There's a purpose for it. And he promises to "help me to speak and teach me what to say".

Love it. Anyway, that's the good thing for today: that God promises to help me thru it. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Love ya.

Catching up and 1st Year of Marriage Summary!

Oh, my gosh, it's July, which means it's been almost three months since I last wrote on this blog. I think it's safe to say I am a bad, bad blogger. Sorry for the absence. Here's a few things that have been going on since then:

May-June: Jesse and I were rehearsing for the local Spring Valley United Methodist Church's community performance of "The Music Man". This involved quite a bit of work, especially for Jesse who was Harold Hill (I was Ethel Toffelmier, a small but fun role). This also meant a lot of work for me, as I often helped him run lines late at night.

July: The month of all months! My amazing family came down to visit during the week of the show. It was wonderful to see them, though I felt bad that I couldn't spend more time with them! I was busy finishing painting the sets and with rehearsals and performances. Then, on June 8th, Jesse and I celebrated our ONE YEAR anniversary! We didn't have much time to celebrate then, because the following week was VBS at Woodcreek Church. It was my first time helping with VBS and I loved it! That Friday, Jesse and I were able to escape to Eureka Springs, AR, for a brief but relaxing anniversary get-away. And on Saturday, we celebrated my (gulp) 27th birthday!

So, hopefully all this is sufficient reason for not tending to the blog. To put it simply: I've been busy.

And now, onto the main subject, which is... 
"Hey, ya'll, I've been married for a year!"
Where I give you an honest summary of how this first year has been:

(Are you excited?)

 Going into your first year, you don’t know what to expect really. Half the people you talk to say that the first year of marriage was “blissful, fun and romantic”. The other half insists it was one of their hardest years as couple. (Looking back, I can see that it totally depends on the couple and their personalities). So, as we returned from our honeymoon, I hoped for the best but sort of planned for the worst.

I ended up being pleasantly surprised. We had a seriously great first year. Of course, occasionally we’ve had our little arguments. These usually happen because we are tired, hungry, or we are moving! The move to Richardson was stressful, and we ended up fighting more during that hellish week (about things like packing tape and where we should put his bureau). But, at least for this first year, for me 95% of the time it has felt like an eternal slumber party with your best friend, who just happens to be a man. The other 5% is comprised of the hard stuff. I will briefly touch on those:

• 2.5% of that 5% is the “ahh-ha, he’s a man and so he’s different” scenarios. These can range from unwanted or unwelcome manly hobbies such as flatulence or burping to more serious things like differences in thinking. I sort of thought Jesse would analyze, learn and understand things similarly to the way I do. False! We've gotten angry with each other a couple times when he insisted I give him “the big picture” while I was trying to do so by explaining lots of details lol. Turns out, women and men are just plain different. Fortunately, so far, we’ve been able to be patient with each other’s mental differences.

• 2% of that 5% is my own sin nature. I once heard that, “marriage is like a mirror that shows you all of your issues, all your sin and all your selfishness”. At the time, I thought something like, “well, isn’t that quaint”. Nope. It’s true. If you had any blissful misconceptions about how you were an angel prior to marriage, holy matrimony certainly brings that “gunk” to light. And what could be more holy than that? (I’m not being facetious here). Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”. God designed marriage not just for happiness, pleasure or kids, but also as a tool to make us more like Jesus. So, anytime I’m being selfish and think “Jesse should do such-and-such and if he doesn’t, he’s not meeting my needs”, I get to examine if my expectations are right and holy… or if they are just plain selfish. Nine times out of ten, it’s me being selfish. Great. So, I get to sharpen Jesse and he gets to sharpen me. Pretty cool deal.

• 0.5% out of 5% is just because life is hard. It’s our first year, so we haven’t accumulated a whole lot of woes in that time. I’m sure within a few years the percentage will change and be higher. For now, life struggles were pretty okay. Things like my stuttering, jobs, occasionally family relationships, expenses, etc., can be difficult. I think it’s safe to say we’ve both enjoyed leaning on each other as well as God during those times. It’s nice to have your partner’s fresh perspective and their ability to be a sounding board when you need to vent or process.

Our young married's small group has been great for us as well. We've read several books on marriage, which have been full of valuable information. Also, it's been great to hang out with other couples in the same stage of life we find ourselves in. I like that no two stories are alike: some couples have/had a rough first year, some have a good one. This doesn't mean those with bad years are "doomed" or that those with good years will have great "easy" marriages (as if there is such a thing). I'm sure Jesse and I will have a bad year ... or tons... (ah!). We're just different enough, and I'm flawed enough that I know that I will probably end up punching him at some point (but, I'll be gentle, promise). I've heard the 3rd, 5th and 7th year are rough. All those prime numbers you know... proof that math is evil (ha). I think it just depends on the couple, plain and simple, and neither way is wrong or right.

So, I give this year an A. The only reason I don't give it an A+ is because I want to keep hope that other years will be just as good, if not better. I'm sure some years will be rough, but I wanna stay positive and go for that A+ at least one year. :) 

Love you, Jesse "Bear". Thanks for a great year! And here's to many more years- be they "good" or "bad". Sharing life with you is always good.

Big Sister Advice

Grieve when bad things happen... but don't be surprised. No one said life was easy or perfect. It's a messy flawed world full of messy flawed people. There is going to be grief. Don't let it throw you off or make you question your faith; that's when you need it! (John 16:33)

Pursue your dreams... but hold them loosely to heaven with outstretched arms. Remember you are here to serve, and God has great plans for you. So, go in the direction you feel called, but remember to check in with Jesus and make sure you are still on the straight and narrow (Jeremiah 29:11-14).

Don't follow your heart... follow God's heart instead. The world says you can trust your heart and the ever-changing emotions that flow from it. The truth is our hearts are sinful, with flawed motives and selfishness (Jeremiah 17:9). Trust instead in God's perfect love, and your decisions will be shaped by Him (Romans 12:2).

Pursue greatness in all you do... but don't think you are too lofty to perform humble tasks. You aren't too talented/smart/rich/well-dressed to work a dead-end job if need be, or scrub some toilets. (James 4:10).

Look to ideals for inspiration... but don't make the mistake of idolizing them. You'd like to dress more like that cute girl who is so well-dressed, or you'd love your life to be as romantic as a Jane Austin book. These are ok ideals, but if they become your world, you'll be discontent with what you have now. (1 Cor. 6:2)

Chase after goals... but know they won't come quickly or without sacrifice. This isn't an 80's movie montage. Your life's ambitions aren't going to come the year after you graduate. But that's okay; they wouldn't be worthy goals if you could accomplish them quickly. (Proverbs 21:5)

Look forward expectantly to the future... but don't miss out on today. You dream of affording a  nicer car, a cool apartment, a better job, getting married, having a baby, etc. All that is good, but enjoy the season you are in today. Each season in life is precious. (Psalm 118:24)

Equally Loved, Equally Forgiven

I haven't written for a while for two reasons: one, time is always an issue. It's hard to summon the energy to write after a long day, and my thoughts are not always creatively charged with brilliant writing ideas. I'd prefer to wait for those rare moments of inspiration. Two, I'm a little bit of a coward. I've had something on my heart for the past two months or so, and I've been slow to share. Maybe I've just been thinking on it and prayerfully considering what I'd say. But today, on my off-day from work, as I lay in bed scouring Facebook, it seemed like the right time.

I want to do a post on my thoughts about gay marriage. This is scary because of all the hoopla going on right now. I don't particularly love tension and I especially hate conflict. I'm not sure who my audience will be- whether my readers will agree or disagree. But here's what I want to write about: I want to explain the Christian response to homosexuality. On Facbeook lately, I've been accused of being hateful (and not just me, but every Christian). And my latest run-in with a sweet good friend and homosexual, left us "at peace", but with him saying I must be an idiot, to explain away my stance.

So, let me begin: Hi, I'm a Christian. I'm not hateful. I've never hated any person on the planet. The only thing I genuinely hate and loathe are beans. I'm not a rocket-scientist, but I definitely am not an idiot. And I want to explain why I both understand that, as a free nation, marriage equality has to happen, but also why I'm saddened by it.

For me, it starts with our relationships with God.

Some basic background: I'm starting with Genesis, but not in the way you think. I'm not going to bombast you with threatening speeches about Adam and Eve, rather than Adam and Steve. I'm going to talk about the Fall, because everything comes from that. In the Beginning, God created everything, and because He is good and wanted people to see that goodness, he created all of us. But in the garden, we sinned. We (our ancestors) chose to disobey God and break the only rule He had set up. When we did that, we saw our nakedness and sin, and sin entered our hearts. From that first day (however long ago it may be, I'm not arguing about creation), we have inherited our sin nature from our parents and their parents. We all sense it, even if we don't want to admit it. We are broken people, desperately searching to be happy, to be fulfilled, to be loved. We try to fill those gaping bleeding holes with the things around us that promise fulfillment: dream careers, money, family, sex, romance, etc etc. But those things don't bring us complete fulfillment. This is what every religion on earth seeks to answer: why are men broken and what can we do about it? I believe the answer to that is that souls were designed to be in fellowship with God.

Sin separates us from God. In the garden after the Fall, sin literally PHYSICALLY separated us from God. Prior to the Fall, Adam and Eve lived directly in the God's presence. He walked among them. He visited them, like a good friend. Afterward, they lived outside of God's presence, no longer with Him physically. For us today, sin separates us from God. Haven't you felt that? After really going off on someone, after lying to friend, after cheating on your spouse, don't you feel farther from God- like your soul is dirty and your conscious is blaring at you? So, we try and make amends by ourselves. And maybe our friends and spouses will forgive us. But what about our souls? Can we cleanse ourselves?
We can't get there on our own, because (again) we are flawed, sinful, messed-up people, and even our best attempts we have to recognize are selfish and mien in nature. How can people like us approach a perfectly holy and just God? Luckily, we have a promised Savior, a mediator , but I'll get to that later.

I believe engaging in homosexual sex is a sin. I'm not just pulling this out of nowhere because I "think it's gross" or I think I'm better than them. I want you to fully understand this: I understand that everyone sins, and that no sin is greater or worse than other. A gay's sexual sin is no greater than my own sexual sin. That gay man or woman and I are equally loved by God. That gay man or woman is made in God's image, and I am directly prohibited from judging them. But I do believe homosexual sex separates people from God, in the same way that heterosexual sex outside of marriage separates us from God. As a Christian, I believe the word of God (the Bible) is perfect. You don't have to, if you aren't a Christian. If you do profess to follow Jesus and believe the Bible to be failable, then you need to examine why you feel comfortable dismissing verses to fit your own life. The point of scripture is that it's powerful enough to change YOU, not the other way around. So, I encourage you to do some searching on that. Either Bible is true, or it isn't. You have decide that for yourself.

Anyway, here are the verses that have been on my heart regarding this issue:

1 Corinthians 6:9-11: "Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men, nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

This verse shows us that no one can get to heaven on their own, for who on earth hasn't done one of those things: either sexual sin or idolatry (worshipping something other than God), cheated on their spouse, homosexual sin, stole, struggled with greed, drank to escape their problems, spoken badly of someone else, cheated someone out of money, etc etc etc!? The point of this verse is not that homosexuals alone will not inherit the Kingdom of God- it's that EVERYONE will not inherit the Kingdom of God. Two thousand and some years ago, the disciples asked Jesus, "Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” The amazing good news- THE GOSPEL MESSAGE- is that God sent his Son to pay for our sins. This is the fundamental truth of Christianity: that all fall short of God's glory and that we NEED a Savior.

Wrapping it Up
As an American, I understand that the Marriage Equality act is going to be passed. From a secular standpoint- if I was going to forget all this Biblical information I know and the voice the Holy Spirit in my life- I would say it makes sense that we can't tell one group of people they CAN marry and one group they can't. And, I understand that Christians can't thump their Bibles and say "the Bible says this" and expect those who aren't Christians to obey. I believe Jesus is profoundly sad with the way a lot of Christians handle the homosexual issue. If I were a non-Chrisitan person looking at the Christian response with no understanding of the biblical background, I might also say: "you are hateful. How can you limit someone's happiness because of your beliefs". 

But hopefully now you understand what I'm saying: I'm not against equal marriage because I think homosexuals don't deserve to marry, or I think they are sub-human, or I think they are beyond redemption and that heterosexual people are better somehow. And while it does sadden me to see marriage- a creation of God- dismantled and re-created, that's not the issue either. After all, heterosexual married couples have been destroying marriage for a long time. We've perverted God's creation of marriage- the life-long bond between man and woman- long ago with our own sin and selfishness. I can't encourage homosexual marriage because I can't encourage homosexual sin. If all sin is damaging to the soul, and all sin separates us from God, how can encourage anyone to walk into a situation that would promote that soul death?

Directly to fellow Christians who are against marriage equality, I would offer this challenge: We've lived in this "Christian nation" for 200 plus years. Can it be that you've made America your home and hope, instead of heaven? We keep saying, "America is Christian nation"? Why? Because it was founded by Christians? What about the last hundred or so years has been Christ-honoring? Our civil war, the 20's hedonism, the 50's white-washing and perfectionism, the 60's sexual sin, the millions of babies aborted (and the millions of mother's lied to), the high divorce rate (equally high among Christians)... what among that says, "we follow Christ"!?! Beloved, remember that, "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Eph 6:12). Your struggle is not against the politicians, or against gays everywhere or the liberal agenda. Our struggle is, and has always been, against evil, and against the real agenda: Satan's plan to destroy us. So, pray for this country yes. And pray for our homosexual friends ensnared in sin the same way you would pray for your heterosexual friend ensnared in sin. But remember this is not our home. Jesus is coming back, and He will take His faithful to our real home.  It's evident it's about to get harder. We're gonna face real persecution: not the kind of slap on the wrist and name-calling we get now. So remember to fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and protector of our faith. 

“Yes. I am coming soon.”

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!

May the grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.

The Closing of one door, and the opening of another

Three months ago, a door opened. An opportunistic metaphorical door. I had an in with the SMU music faculty, and I decided I would pursue my Masters. I don't make decisions easily- I fear making the wrong choice. So I prayerfully pursued this opportunity, asking God to let me know if He didn't want me on this path. It takes to faith to move in a direction when you haven't gotten a clear yes or no. I remember hearing sermons on the necessity of waiting on the Lord for everything. And I believe there are times for waiting. But scripture is packed-full of instances when people pray, then try to choose the best option. In the end, God shapes what happens. The decision to pursue my Masters was like this. I didn't have a huge desire to go back to school, but when an opportunity opens, you should try, right?

Fast forward to last week. Friday. It was my last practice with my voice teacher before auditioning today. I sang my songs for her. Then she said six words that changed things quite a bit: "I don't think you should audition". I quietly listened as she explained that she thought I needed to work more on my musicianship, pronunciation and artistry before I audition for grad school. Fair enough advice, especially when you consider how I've been out of voice studies. This was appropriate feedback, and though it was difficult to hear, I was thankful for her honest input. But then she went on to say that she didn't think, as a stutterer, that I should get my Masters. It was a very long speech, so I will paraphrase it. She sited reasons like 'it would be difficult for me', 'I would have to give presentations and answer questions quickly', 'I would not be accepted at the school', and 'if/when I graduated, no one would even consider hiring me as a teacher'. I told her I would consider all this.

It took me a good four days to get angry. When she told me all this, I sort of swallowed it as a very bitter, but truthful pill. It seemed realistic enough advice, and she didn't mean it cruelly. In fact, I think she meant it to be kind. But the things she said were exactly what I always feared hearing: that secret voice that says, "No one will want you because of your stutter. No one listens to anyone you say. You are a joke, ridiculous. You are broken, and unusable". 

But on the fourth day, I did get angry. If I followed her logic, I would have to live under a rock or find a job that involves NO speaking. If anyone with a disability followed her advice, there would be no paraplegics in the Special Olympics, the blind would never venture beyond the safety of their homes, and no person with a disability would be hired. If I followed her logic, I would have to have to limit my dreams (and God's plans!) because of my stuttering. Not get my Masters because it's hard? What does she think- that my daily life trying to communicate is easy? Did she think I fought thru this many awkward conversations, terrible presentations and embarrassing scenarios to give up because "it's hard"?!? I got my BA with a stutter, I have been hired (and promoted!) by many companies, all of whom have said they would hire me again, I teach three students, and both of my current jobs require quite a bit of talking. Not only this, but my experience with the artistic world is quite the opposite: people are happy to hire someone who is capable but stutters. If nothing else, it's good PR! (I mean, come on, who doesn't want a cute stuttering girl as your mascot? lol terrible.... sorry). I understood the stress that would come from getting my Masters, and if it was God's will, I was prepared to meet those challenges. The issues with my singing are legit; I'm not perfect vocally and I need to grow more. But if I thought I had enough personal strength get my Masters, despite stuttering, she had no right to say differently. It was flat out discrimination, something I've never experienced so blatantly. 

So, now that I was angry, I had to make a choice: audition or not audition. For a long while this week, I thought about auditioning just to spite her! I had gleeful visions of standing up there on the stage in front of the panel, and singing their (and her) socks off. In that vision, she slinks over shamefully, handing me a full scholarship. (Evil laughter... ma ha haaaa).

But then I kept thinking. I kept thinking about how I still- after three months- wasn't anxious to return to classes again. I was dreading buying the books, returning to studying, paying that hefty tuition. The only thing I was really excited about was- you guessed it- singing. So, I sought some advice from past teachers and local friends. 

And I finally decided to do the anti-climatic thing and... not audition. 

Why? Because, one, I don't want to get my Masters right now. I finally figured that out, after three months of praying, and after this big event. I can pursue singing without getting my Masters, and paying that hefty tuition. And because, two, if I ever do get my masters, it won't be with that school, especially if what this teacher told me is representative of the whole school's creed on disabilities. Heck to the no.

Instead, I'm planning on taking private lessons locally with a truly amazing husband and wife team. I'm very excited about the vocal growth and possibilities it will bring. 

I'm feeling very at peace about the decision, and glad it's over. I knocked on that door, and it took a while, but I got my answer. "I don't want this after all". I guess sometimes you have to figure out the hard way. And sometimes God answers in a different way then you want. But that doesn't mean He doesn't answer. 

And, funny how things work out- God still provided me with a great, jam-packed artistic month full of choir concerts, performances, caricature drawings and a move to a great new apartment this Saturday.

The only thing bothering me now is the question, "What's going to happen to me now?" I had a plan, and the plan fell thru. Now, I find myself in the same place I've been for the past year and a half- sameness. And I have never liked sameness. I'm always looking for the next thing, and I want the next thing asap. So, maybe God has some more patience to teach me. And in a while, He will open some new door. But, I know God is completely trustworthy, and EVER trial we encounter grows our perseverance so that we will be "mature and complete, not needing anything"(1 Peter). But, I'm sure I'm going to keep singing. It's what I do! It's what God made me for! In whatever capacity He wants, I will keep singing.

"I will sing to the Lord ALL MY LIFE; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live"

Psalm 104:33

A Brief Catch Up

It's been almost two months since I last posted. That's pretty bad by blogging standards, and I offer a teeny-weeny half-hearted apology. Things have been busy.

This January has been an interesting one, and if it had a theme, it would be about waiting, preparation and hard work. Not generally fun themes, but still, necessary and good for stimulating personal and spiritual growth.

I got a promotion at the medical office, and am now working with the regulatory side of research, with the occasional dabbling in drug (don't get excited, I just count the drug shipments). I started this new role in mid-January, and I have to say, I like it more than data entry. It's a detail-oriented position with little hovering, and I get to organize things the way I like, which is just perfect. But it has required a few more hours, so fitting that in has been difficult.

Church work is going great. I love planning lessons, and serving the volunteers and the kids is a great joy to me. Because I'm so passionate about it, I do take our failings (or just areas that need growth) very seriously and often worry about them. I am constantly hoping to grow personally and grow the ministry to it's full potential. Leading is not natural to me, and having to speak to so many people on Sunday does drain me quite a bit. But on those days where the service goes well, and the message and worship hit home, the reward is beyond expression. I love working behind the scenes to do all this. It's a new lesson for this opera diva.

The thing is, with the two jobs and the weird schedule, it's been hard to find a "designated day off". You don't realize how important having one day of is... you really need that day to do bills, finish projects and clean the house. Our small apartment currently resembles that of a hoarder- not because we collect random stuff, but just because it's so small and we have been blessed with so much!

So, I'm happy to say we are moving to Richardson on February 16th. It's in a great location, and the apartments are older and quaint, and, most importantly, BIGGER! Less driving, great local restaurants and a YMCA right across the street? I am fantastically excited... so much so that I am finding waiting to be very difficult. (grrr I hate waiting).

Also, big news: February 9th is my audition date for SMU. Honestly, I'm terrified. I have so much to prepare for it (not only the audition but also a theory and aural test!!!) and very little time to spare. But, I'm doing my best so I can look back and say, "I really did try my very best". Then, it really is up to the Lord whether I get in or not.

Jesse and I are doing well, despite the hectic lives we live currently. We keep each other laughing, and we are different enough that we keep challenging each other, lovingly frustrating each other, and happily enjoying what is still newlywed bliss. That's not to say we live in a dream world; we're aware of our faults and sin natures. But with the help of God, love for each other and our amazing community of friends and family (both far and near), we continue to strive towards our ultimate goal as a married couple: bringing God glory.

God's Love For Zombies

If you know me even a tiny bit, you will probably know that I am afraid of zombies. Ghosts, ghouls, vampires even swamp monsters I can handle. But the idea of zombies terrifies me. It is actually a little funny: I do a lot of things differently because of my fear of zombies. For instance, I specifically chose my loft apartment because it's on the second floor (easier to protect). And I know what to first in the event of a zombie outbreak (block any entrances, fill the bathtub with water as you don't know when the supply will be cut short, and turn off the lights to avoid attracting attention). So, yes, I'm a little ridiculous about it. 

I think what really scares me about zombies- besides the idea of being eaten or trapped- is the symbol of the breakdown of society and how the survivors literally canabilize each other to stay alive. Perhaps more horrifying is the idea that we could easily be bitten, and then we would be the zombies: dead but walking, hungry for fellow-human flesh. I imagine the life (I use the word liberally) of a zombie is pretty awful: no consciousness (I hope!), mindless roaming and chowing down on human flesh... pretty gruesome.

Now that you know the depth of my fear, I can write the following sentence knowing that you will understand the full gravity of what I'm saying:

We all are (or once were) zombies.

In Ephesians 2, the Apostle Paul says the following:

"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath."

We were all born into spiritual death. Since the Fall, since we left the Garden because of our own disobedience, we have been spiritually dead. And like the cinema zombie of today, we've walked around endlessly trying to fill our  spiritual hunger. We've hurt people because of our need to fill that hole. There is no cure to make us alive again and save us from following this fate.

Until... 

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved."- Ephesians 2:4&5


God made a way for us by sending His Son to die to save us. For some reason I will never fully grasp, God never gave up on us. He came down to us to live the same life, and then as the perfect sacrifice, He gave us His life, so we wouldn't have to be dead any longer.

Lord Jesus, 
Thank You for what you did on the cross. Thank You for showing us a better way to live, not the "empty way of life that is handed down to us by our forefathers", but a New Life. Help us understand the depths of Your grace and love more and more in every aspect of our lives. And, most of all, thank You for never letting go of us, even when we most deserve it.
Amen.

Messed-up Lady Emotions and Artistic Angst

Tonight I am angry. You ladies will know why so I will just hint that it is "lady troubles" and leave it at that. Jesse knows that it is lady trouble time, and he keeps his distance. I like that- in fact, this is what I asked him to do (that and ply me with chocolate, which he has done), but then when I see him enjoying himself alone, it angers me. Ah, lady time. In my mind, I see a hulked-out Madeleine, ready to "Maddie smash". It's up to Jesse to find the perfect balance of "I love you and will cuddle you, but not so much that you feel smothered, and I will not do anything to make you feel annoyed". Poor man. Good thing this doesn't last long.

I will also blame my poor eating choices today on my lady time. Well, poor 'choice' rather. I did really well at lunch (blackened chicken salad) and even better at dinner (salmon, green beans, mushrooms filled with cheese/pepperoni), but for breakfast... when I went into the kitchen at work, there sat a box of donuts. I wasn't going to "go nuts" with the donuts, but then I saw a vanilla-icing donut with happy little sprinkles. Sprinkles, it turns out, must be my downfall, because I had devoured the entire donut before I even remembered the "low-carb" thing. Donuts are low carb... right?

On to the topic of tonight, which isn't what I promised in the last entry (shhh....). Does anyone else have mad quantities of creative projects constantly circling through their minds? I swear- subconscious artistic me must be a crazy person. One second, I am intent on painting a winter miniature for our first Christmas card. The next, I am convinced I need to paint my desk. But wait- wasn't I going to finish that stained glass project? No, not until I master the art of watercoloring portraits. I can do that in a single painting, right? But wasn't I going to try acrylics? No- first the Christmas card. Or maybe the desk... AHHH!

Are creative sides naturally this sporadically ADD, or is it just mine? If the creative psyche were as organized as the logical psyche, it would get much more accomplished. Or maybe if the logical side just agreed to HELP the creative side once or twice. I envision my Logical Psyche as a businessman, balding  but brilliant, fantastically organized down to his days-of-the-week underpants. He does not want to associate with Creative Psyche, who, I'm sorry to say, looks and acts like a meth addict and just wants to create, be it on a canvas with oils or a wall with spray paint. If the two could just team up and help each other create/organize more together, well then, we'd be somewhere. Maybe we wouldn't be featured at the Louvre, but we'd at least have a finished piece of art, instead of a dozen works-in-progress.

Or maybe it isn't that Logical Psyche isn't trying to help; maybe he is helping with all his might, but he's simply not strong enough to help out his crazed friend. That seems like it could be true of me. It's a good thing I'm married to Jesse, who is very organized. Hopefully, he can keep me calm and rational when all I want to do is fingerprint, but I have to go to work. :)

(By the way, he's doing a good job. He's happily working on his new work iPad yet still giving me a sweet little smile every so often).

Okay, thanks for reading. This is now the end of whatever this post was about (it seems to be about messed-up lady emotions and artistic angst).

I should try to work on the Christmas card idea.

Or maybe I should paint my desk?

An Operatunity (hee hee)

It's been a nice weekend. Today's services went really well without anything eventful or disastrous happening. Things between Jesse and I have been nice and cuddly (*yes "cuddly" is the main adjective that springs to mind... it might be the happy fall weather!), and life continues to skip by at the usual pace. No slowing down, very few things to break up the monotony, no "breaks" (fall, spring, summer or otherwise) as I was accustomed to as a student. Adulthood continues to rear it's mature sarcastic face and say to my naivety: "Welcome to real life".

An interesting turn-of-events: I went to sing for vocal teacher at SMU. I was awfully nervous. It's intimidating enough to go sing for people when you ARE in-voice, so imagine how I must've felt walking into SMU- one of the snobbiest and, well, best schools around. I found a parking space (after 30 minutes, thank God I left early), and walked to the Fine Arts building, enjoying the familiar and seductive college scene. Barefoot students passed me, arms full of books, discussing literature and professors. In the music department, the sounds of violins and oboes wafted in the air... even their scales sounded perfect. Dang, I am out of my league. But I went to my appointment, prepared for a pretty big embarrassment, and instead was pleasantly surprised.

It's true; my German was rusty, my rhythms a little off, but my voice, surprisingly, was still there. I made my high notes. My tone was even. It felt like normal, like returning to riding a bike after a few years. That's not to say it was perfect- as the vocal teacher said, my larynx was a little high, which made for quite a bit of breathiness (hhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhh). But she seemed to like my voice, saying it was whimsical, pretty, youthful and energetic, very "french" (as in, 'would be good for french songs'), and that she thinks I am a soubrette or a light lyric soprano. When I sang, she nodded in approval and gave very positive feedback. After vocalizing me (warming up to as high as I could go- which was shockingly- still a E-flat- I thought I'd lost my top notes!), she said I have more notes there that I could achieve if I worked on it and worked on loosing my fear of high notes. Best of all: when I commented on how out-of-voice I was, she said, "No, you're not out-of-voice, you are simply out of practice. There's nothing wrong with your voice. There's no tension [I don't know about that... but, hey, ok!], your breathing is great, your french is perfect [!YAY!], you just need the icing on the cake". Thank you, John Brown University music department, for your hard work!

So, I now have a voice lessons with a wonderful teacher! We're going to work on tailoring my repertoire to be more soubrette-friendly. Currently, my repertoire is all over the map. This was great for undergraduate studies and I enjoyed singing those pieces. But some of those songs aren't a good fit for me. I love "Habanera", and loved the chance to sing it, but no one would ever hire me for the role of Carmen. I'm no mezzo. But Mozart operas, Handel, french songs, I can do. And apparently- new fact learned for the day- companies don't like to see variety on a musicians' resume. They like to see that you have a specific voice type and that you can sing it well. As she said: "People aren't very imaginative. It's up to you to tell them who you are and what you can do". Brilliant advice, huh? Pretty good for any career choice and interviewing situation.

Honestly, all that said, I don't know if I want a career in voice. I know I LOVE singing. I know I want to do these lessons. And, as Jesse said after he saw me directly after this audition, I "lit up like a firefly" when I told him about singing. But I'm going to wait before I decide if I want to get my masters. A bachelor's degree is expensive enough. My current loans are going to haunt me til into my late thirties (which is still far enough away that it is daunting). If I'm going to add more onto that bill, I have to be darn sure that this is the direction I want to go in AND that the Lord has for me (the second being more important).


Next week's episode: Discontentment. I'm excited. It's gonna be a doozy.

Feeling sick, another audition and broccoli cheese soup

I left work early today feeling very much like what my husband felt the other day- sick and rundown. I got home, was promptly sick, napped, rallied and then re-arranged the furniture in the living room. When you live in a small space (all 650 sq feet of it- including stairs), the cramped feeling can drive me nuts. So, I have to re-arrange every so often. Plus, it helps force you to clean the room, too.

I have another "audition" tomorrow. Maybe "audition" is the wrong word. The correct word would be an opportunity. I'm meeting with a vocal teacher from a local college to sing for her and discuss what she thinks of my voice. It's a great opportunity- kind of horrifying- but I am also incredibly excited. Fortunately, I've already explained how out-of-voice I am, so at least she won't be under any misconceptions about my voice. ... but still--- eek! I'll let you know how it goes!

I found a great new recipe for Creamy Broccoli Soup. It DOES have 2 tablespoons of flour, so it's not completely carb-free, but it's pretty close. Plus, Jesse liked it a lot. I figure if a MAN likes it, it's hardy enough.

Ingredients:

3 cups chicken broth
1 head of broccoli, cut up
1/2 onion, chopped
1 cup milk
2 tablespoons flour
1 cup shredded cheese (the recipe says optional, but I say "must have")
1/2 dried oregano
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:
1) Bring broth to boil. Add broccoli and onion. Cook for five minutes, or until broccoli is tender.
2) In a separate bowl, slowly add milk to flour, and mix until well-blended.
3) Stir flour/milk mixture into broth mixture. Cook, stirring constantly, until soup is thick and bubbly. Add cheese; stir til melted. Add seasonings. Done.

It's a really quick meal, and pretty dang good.

Tomato pie and Decisions

Tonight, after work I came home and cleaned like a banshee. We're living in a 650 square foot apartment. When you take into account that we're both messy and, as an artsy person, I have art projects lain strung about the apartment, the place gets messy quickly. I swear: overnight little messy elves come out and throw clothes everywhere and re-dirty the dishes. So, I ran thru the place quickly (fortunately a clean up goes really fast), then made my dinner while watching episodes of Futurama.

Dinner tonight: 

Artichoke

Fried Talapia

Edisto Beach Pie (without the pie)

I really recommend the pie: it's nothing but tomatoes, grated cheese, mayonnaise and spices. 

Simply slice about 3 tomatoes (depending on the amount of servings), mix a cup of grated cheese with a cup of mayonnaise. Layer tomatoes with cheese/mayonnaise and spices (salt, pepper, oregano) as many times as you want to fill the pan (I did two layers today) and bake at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes. If you want to make a real pie, just buy a pre-made crust and fill the shell with the ingredients; same deal. Below is the finished product:

The finished product: artichoke with melted butter, fried
talapia and edisto beach pie

After that, I was feeling a little creative, but I didn't have enough energy to go get all my art supplies from their various corners about the room, so I got the nail polish. I'm in a Halloweeny mood. Can you tell?

The left hand- no way I'm showing you
the right hand, as it was very complicated
to draw those mini pumpkins left-headed.

Yes, it's a little ridiculous. Which is just what I wanted :)

_________________________________________________________________________________

Serious Time:

I've been struggling with contentment lately over a few aspects of my life. Or, maybe another way to say it is, I've been wanting some things in my life to be different. The question I'd like to pose is this: how to we discern when something in our life:

A) Is a situation sent by God for a specific purpose (aka: for our own personal or spiritual growth, for ministry opportunities, etc), and therefore should be accepted and we should try to find contentment and "bloom where we are planted"...

OR

B) Is a situation in which we have freedom to change if we don't like, or would rather be elsewhere.

To the non-christian, the answer is simple: "Do what you want".  That's what our generation shouts pretty much constantly. It's our natural inclination. We want to do what we want to do, and answer to no One. 

But I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I have given Him my heart and my life. This means I am called to "pick up my cross" and follow Him, to "lose my life so I can find it" and to live sacrificially with eternity in mind. 

So what's the balance? You can't be too extreme about either one. If you are too extreme about doing what you want, you risk missing out on God's spirit. If we live only for ourselves and for we want, we miss out on ministry, we become self-absorbed, we live the unquenchable selfish life that is never satisfied. If we are too extreme about listening to the Holy Spirit (or rather, over-spiritualize decisions), we are crippled in our decision making if we don't "feel" an answer, we run the risk of sacrificing things God hasn't asked us to sacrifice and we could miss out doing what we love and what we were built for, ultimately for God's good purpose. 

I guess what the best thing to do is to prayerfully pursue what you feel you are gifted in. After all, God gave us gifts to USE them. So, I'll knock tentatively on a door, and if I get a knock back, I will knock harder. If the door opens, and I've prayed about it, I have the freedom to walk thru it, yes?

Unfortunately, I am notoriously shy about pursuing things I want. That, and I am ridiculously idealistic, so much so that if something doesn't fall in my lap, or God's voice doesn't boom from the sky in a thunderous affirmation, I don't want to walk forward.

How do you all know when a decision is right?

Spaghetti Squash and married life

Hello, all.

This week was not a great for the low-carb diet. I didn't follow it as strictly as I did last week. But I didn't forsake it all together.

A few nights ago I made spaghetti and meat sauce ... out of Spaghetti Squash. You can find the squash at the local grocery store (I went to Kroger). It's yellow and oval shaped, and around $3.00. What you do is this: You split it in half long-ways, remove the seeds, put on a cooking sheet facing down and bake for 45 minutes at 350 degrees. Then flip over and bake for at least ten minutes. After that, soak the squash faced down in water for 20 minutes. Finally, take a fork and strip through the squash, making long string-like "pasta" strands. Add butter and salt to taste (which for me, means drenching).

The outcome: not great. Jesse ate it, since Jesse's great like that, but we both agreed I wouldn't make it again. I think I might've saved some time and bought a regular squash, diced and cooked it, and poured spaghetti sauce on it. The texture of the spaghetti squash is just not spaghetti-like. There seems to be a big flaw in the health world: if something LOOKS like some other food item, it should have the same name. Not so. Let's go by taste, people.

Besides all that, life is going well. I've had more free time, which I have spent painting, so, gotta love that. Married life is happy. We've been married now for a "whopping" three and a half months. Every so often, I look at him and think, "this man is my husband"! We're discovering more about what makes us similar and what makes us see things differently. I'm experiencing my first football season as his wife, which I imagine to be similar to being the wife of an addict lol. The man breathes football. And we enjoy our time together. We giggle and laugh at stupid stuff very few people would laugh at. Plus, can I just say, cuddling is just the best thing ever.

So, anyway, here's to the start of a new week, a new opportunity to get back on the diet completely, and a new week of marriage.

WEIGH IN

Well, I woke up early and scrambled to get to the medical office, and consequently, the scale I've been using. The result? 162- I lost three lbs this week! Easiest week ever. I ate when I wanted, and ate well, and I didn't change my exercising- I walked twice last week, same as usual. 

That concludes with the good news. The rest of the news is this: after happily congratulating myself on the 3 lb weight loss, I went to the break room/kitchen to get some coffee, and there, laid out before me were gourmet donuts. I caved. Very easily and with very little hesitantcy. You see, as I knew I was going to the Texas State Fair (and was prepared to splurge a little), my gluttonous side demanded a donut. So today, it would seem, was my splurge day (except for lunch, because I ate a salad).

Dinner consisted of fried EVERYTHING. It's the Texas State Fair, and so you HAVE you try all the fried things they have. This year had quite a few things. Jesse and I walked around (and walked and walked, so at least we got some exercise) and shared the following items: fried snickers bar, fried Macaroni n' cheese sliders, a mediocre grilled cheese sandwich (with the bread!), root beer, funnel cake, pretzel and, the most atrocious of all: fried bacon cinnamon roll. 

In a word: gross. I cannot wait to eat my carb-less diet tomorrow. This was a splurge day (and I probably gained all three lbs back lol), and we have to have these every so often. But these are not the norm, and I miss my chicken and lettuce and cheese and eggs and, you know, food items that don't leave you greasy and bloated. 

Next weigh in is next Wednesday. I won't be listing my calories this week, but I will be including low-carb recipes that I try. Now that this diet is not such a novelty (to you or to me!), I'm gonna just do it, give you updates every so often, and keep on with other, less obnoxious topics.

K. Good night. I'm exhausted, bluberous from that food, and bone-tired from my 3.5 hour walk.

-Me

Day 6- A weekly review

I know, I know, I've skipped around a bit. But I thought I should at least write on this day, which is the day before I weigh in for the first week. That's right, I've done this for 6 days... not a vast amount of time, but still, impressive for me. Think about it- a week without crackers, a slice of bread, a banana, etc. It's definitely a change.

Some Thoughts:
#1) There are a lot of great substituting recipes you can use that taste perfectly great. I'll go into that this next week. I just stocked up at the grocery store, so I hope to present some really good low-carb recipes that you will enjoy also (if you feel inclined to try it).
#2) This low carb diet, and consequently, this high protein diet, is pretty satisfying. I eat much more cheeses, veggies and meats then I ever have. I don't have to feel guilty about using butter in my cooking, and I can use fattening dressings on my crouton-less salads. Also, like a true man, I think Jesse is enjoying the inclusion of more meat to his diet. Right now, for instance, in my refridgerator I have: bacon, breakfast sausage, hotdogs, pepperoni, burger meat, and salami. Typically, there would be no meat whatsoever, as I usually just eat fish... because preparing meat meals tends to scare my limited cooking abilities away.
#3) I'm missing bread less and less. I was thinking the other day, as I gobbled down a protein style Cheeseburger from In-And-Out, that I couldn't remember what biting into a burger with the bun tastes like. I remember it being more filling, but not less satisfying.

So, Week One weigh-in is tomorrow. I admit, I am nervous.  I'll let you know how it goes, for better for for worse. I should say now, I feel good. My stomach area is certainly smaller and my face looks thinner. And I'm fitting into my fantastically comfortable jeans, which I haven't taken off since Saturday lol. My scale at home is unreliable. It's five lbs lighter than it should be, so, unfortunately, I can't believe it. But the gradual scalings have revealed: "less than before", so I take that to be good news.

Okay. Good night all.
Much love.

Day Three and Four (I got lazy)

Sorry guys, I got lazy yesterday and didn't update. So I don't remember what exactly what I ate,  I know I stayed just below 30 carbs for the whole day until I went to Pei Wei. There, I got the chicken lettuce wraps, which I assumed would be very low in carbs. I mean, it's chicken and lettuce, right? How carb-filled can it be? VERY, it turns out. If I had eaten the whole plate (which I didn't, whew), it would've been 620 calories and 68 crams of carbs! I ate half, so I ate 36 grams. Not really that bad, but it did piss me off.

Anyway, onto Day Four...

As it was Saturday, I splurged a little.
Breakfast: scrambled eggs, two slices of bacon, 4 fl oz of orange juice, 368 calories and 15.7 grams carbs
Lunch: Cheese, 138 calories and 3.8 g carbs, pepperoni, 158 calories and 0 carbs, and seven rice cracker chips 26 calories and 6.3 carbs.
Dinner: Ensenada Chicken Platter, 663 calories and 23 g carbs. We got this at Red Robin, and it was the only dish under 30 carbs! The salads were all very high, obviously the pastas and delicious burgers were a no go, as were the mint chocolate brownie milkshakes...
Snack: Jesse didn't feel very well and was needing some ice-cream, so I went out and grabbed us some frozen yogurts, which have 23 calories and 8 carbs per fluid ounce. I got six (roughly a cup), so I ate 138 calories, which I thought was pretty low, but it had....48  carbs. Needless to say, I'm feeling that difference. I feel pretty bloated tonight and learned my lesson. "No Fat" does not mean you can't gain weight from it.

So today: 1491 calories and 96 carbs. Not so much a success. Back to NO sugars tomorrow.

But the good news: I am fitting into my size 8 jeans! And, if my terrible scale can be trusted, I've lost 3 lbs. I weigh in at the half way point on Tuesday, so I'll post that then. The weigh in helps re-motivate me. No more frozen "fat free" yogurt for me.

Day Three

I woke up today and got on the scale and was rewarded by weighing a pound less! Get it! That certainly helped with motivating me. Unfortunately, an impediment arose that hindered this day from being completely successful, and that would be... sour patch kids candy. I found a bag in my cabinet that had a few left (all the orange ones, which I usually dislike, but to my sugar-deprived brain, they were like heaven itself). Before I knew what had happened, I had eaten the remaining sour candies, about sixteen. Then I flipped the packet around and looked at the nutritional information, and realized I had, in one foul swoop, ruined my carb count for the day! Dang sneaky little delicious candies.

Breakfast: rice cake and peanut butter: 223 calories and 11.3 carbs
Lunch: Caeser dressing, iceburg lettace, tomato, onion, cheese, pepperoni: 427 calories and 21.8 g carbs
Dinner: Cheeseburger double, protein style: 520 calories, 9 carbs
Snack: rice cake and peanut butter: 223 calories and 11.3 carbs
Evil Snack: Sour Patch kids: 150 calories, 37 carbs

Total 1,543 calories and 69.1 carbs... would've been 32.1!!! ahh, regret.

K, night. Jesse needs attention.

Day 2

It's incredibly late and I am incredibly tired, so I will make this short.
A brief synopsis of today: work at the medical office was crazy and full of running and going back over old records. Then, choir practice at a friend's church- they are performing The Messiah and I have joined up. :) It was very exciting to be singing Handel again, despite the melismas reeking havoc on my out-of-shape voice.

Today was not as happily carb-less as the day before. Yes, I still managed to eat less carbs and stay away from the beautiful chocolate cake they brought in for lunch (my powers of self-control are saintlike... ha ha). But, I was drained today and missed the "I'm full" feeling. But, whenever I asked myself honestly if I was hungry, the answer was "no".

So breakfast: 4% cottage cheese, 55 calories, 1.5g
Lunch: Chicken kabobs, mixed veggies and greek salad (yeah): Total 468 calories , 15.3 g
Dinner: Tomato soup, 320 calories and 22 g (I thought this would be less grams of carbs than it proved to be, darn it), and blue cheese salad 192 calories and 15 g.

Today's Total: 1,035 calories, 53.8 grams of carbs

So, the day was a success :)
I think I need to put more fat in the diet though. According to my research, it's a mistake to go to lean on the calories during the first two weeks.

Im thinking an In-And-Out Cheeseburger protein style tomorrow. mmmm....