The Genocide Continues

I stumbled across a silly fluff piece of an article today which I thought would provide a little entertainment. It was about things you shouldn’t say to a pregnant woman. (You can read the article here, if you are worried about pregnancy-related faux pas: http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/12-things-never-pregnant-person-190600930.html). I thought that might be useful, as a couple of my friends are pregnant now, so I started reading. Then I came across a statement that was short, sweet, to the point and funny. The statement was as follows: “Pregnant people already feel large, because they’re actually two people”. I started moving on to the next sentence only to stop abruptly. I stopped because, suddenly, I realized how unintentionally and remarkably controversial the statement was. Two people. I wondered how many readers chuckled, accepted the statement without question and moved on. There are two people in there. I wondered how many of those people are pro-choice. 

                I’m often stopped in my tracks by how paradoxical we can be when it comes to deciding between two very different terms that I believe mean the same thing: fetus and baby. One term is impersonal, almost alien. It brings to mind a mesh of cells and half-formed non-working organs. It’s parasitical and unwelcome. As a society, we are okay with killing fetuses. The other term is deeply intimate and maternal. Baby. We coo over them, hold them gently, sometimes roll our eyes at a screaming one. Baby, above all, is alive, loud, kicking, sweet-smelling- human. As a society, we are not okay with killing babies.

                You see this dichotomy everywhere. A doctor screws up a delivery and the baby is killed. Society reacts: “horrible, terrible doctor, who could kill a child!?” An abusive husband hits his pregnant wife, causing a miscarriage: society reacts: “horrible, terrible husband, who could kill a child!?” A psychotic killer murders a pregnant wife who longed for her child and spent years trying to get pregnant. Society reacts: “horrible, terrible human being, who could kill a child!?” Conversely, a woman decides she wants to terminate her pregnancy. It doesn’t matter the reason: perhaps she was raped, perhaps she is underage, perhaps she already has children and can’t afford one more, or perhaps she’s simply not quite ready for children. When someone questions her right to do so, society shouts, “horrible, terrible timing, who can live with a child?”. We are society and the plain truth is we are completely horrified by the death of babies and we are completely accepting of the death of fetuses. 

                Not seeing the connection yet? Okay. I’ll play the Devil’s advocate for a moment and switch up one of my examples. What if the murdered woman didn’t long for her child after all? What if the child was a mistake? What if she was on her way to an abortion clinic when the psychotic killer murdered her? If the murderer was caught and the case went to trial, what sort of effect would it have on the man’s sentencing? How should the jury respond when they hear the woman was on her way to have an abortion? The jury room would be a hot mess that day. ‘Sure, the lady was going to get an abortion, but there is something heinous about murdering a pregnant woman’. If found guilty, how many years will the judge sentence him? How many people is this man guilty of killing?

                The fact of the matter is, the real question within the “fetus or baby” debate is: “who is human?”  Who is protected by human rights and who is not? Whenever I have a conversation with a pro-choice individual, I always ask them if they personally okay with abortion. Everyone I have ever spoken with or overheard has always said sometime to the effect of: “Well, personally, I don’t know if I would do it. But, I do think we should let the woman have the choice”. This always throws me for a loop because it shows something truly bizarre about our culture: we are comfortable letting someone decide who is human and who isn’t. Think about that for a moment. Think of all the world atrocities from ancient history to current daily life that have occurred when someone in power pointed to a smaller group and says, “you there: you aren’t human. You are less than. You are vile and unwanted here”. Think of the millions of murders, the enslavement, the rapes, the injustices that have happened from the beginning of time until now. Think of the genocide! Hitler was able to kill millions during the Holocaust (Jews, Romani, Soviet prisoners, homosexuals, the mentally retarded, resistance) because he had persuaded the people of Germany that those people were the cause of their problems. He made them less than human. He declared the Arian race the most advanced in the world and murdered those who didn’t reach his criterion. The Khmer Rouge killed between 1.7 to 2.5 million people during the Cambodian Civil War from 1970 to 1975. Between 500,000 to 1 million ethnic Tutsis people were murdered in the Rwandan Genocide only twenty years ago! These are only three examples out of all of history! This is what happens when people in power decide who is human, and who is less than. As a species, we prove this over and over, with no different results. In arguments separate from that of the abortion debate, we wholeheartedly agree that people choosing who is human and who isn’t is unacceptable. We all agree killing other human beings is bad. But then we don’t bridge the gap. We willingly give the right to choose if someone (a fetus/ a baby) is human to it’s/his/her mother. We have given the person in power the LEGAL RIGHT to decide if the person dependent on her is human or not.

               

             I'm not going to go through the physical evidence that shows that fetuses are, in fact, babies. There's tons of evidence everywhere. If you have even a scant amount of time, just a few minutes of research will show how soon heartbeats begin, when eyelashes are formed, when dreams begin to happen. I just want to point out that the only real difference between a fetus and a baby seems to be location: if the child is within it's mother, it's a fetus, and if the child is outside the mother, it's a baby. I'm just going to give you this fact:  in the U.S. alone, 1.2 million fetuses/babies are aborted each year. And we are okay with that. This just proves to me that humankind is just as fallen and depraved as it ever was. The genocide still continues, whether we call it that or not. Whether or not you call them "fetuses" or "babies", I hope you give this some thought.

It's OCTOBER?.... WHA? When did this happen?

Oh my gosh, my last post was in late July and it's now October! Looks like I am terrible at keeping up with blogs (or just fantastically busy). Well, the good news is that since so much time has passed, much has happened and I have tons of news.

First off, things have been very good. I feel very blessed in my life currently; in my marriage with the charming, funny and adorably frustrating Jesse Einfalt, in my community at church and in my friendships, in my work and interests, in my relationship with the Lord. It's been busy, so I feel like I'm enjoying all these aspects of life while on a roller coaster. Relationships take time to cultivate and keep healthy, and with how busy things have been, I don't have as much time as I'd like to spend time with friends- or with Jesus! Jesse and I are able to make time for each other as we run at our current hectic pace, but that's the only relationship that is really blooming. Again, I attribute this to busyness, but it also shows I need to learn how to balance my spiritual life along with being a wife. Jesus and I are doing well, but I still crave extended silent, quiet, alone time, and that opportunity hardly ever happens.

Here's the news:

• Jesse and I were in the Music Man this summer, which was very, very fun. It was great to get to sing and act a bit, and I love that we have that interest together. What a blessing!
• I'm continuing to take voice lessons from a truly awesome husband and wife team. They have been so gracious with me and I have learned so much! I'm working on one Mozart aria and a German art song. This Christmas, I'll sing a duet with the wife at her church. Having these voice lessons twice a month has been a wonderful thing for me emotionally and musically. After such a "traumatic" experience with my last teacher, it's great to have healthy student-teacher relationships. Plus, it's always good to keep your instrument active and to keep learning.
• Jesse and I auditioned for a L.A. based caroling company called, Goode Time Carolers last month. They company started up in Dallas last year and this year they needed to expand because of their success last year. I went in nervous, because since I graduated from college, very few auditions have actually produced a role or work. This time was different (!) and I am happy to say that for the first time in my life, I can be considered a professional singer, or aka: a singer who gets paid to sing!!!! Holy Moses, that's exciting! We have to memorize 70 songs, so that's been a challenge, but we are enjoying ourselves immensely. I get to wear a truly magnificent costume, Jesse and I get to sing together (more bonding time), I get to put this on my artistic resume, and best of all- we have our Christmas Card this year (us in costume!).
• This is very very new news: I just might have an art gig. I might be painting the sets for a local show in the upcoming season!  Again- a paid thing.... which means (technically), I'm a professional artist too, right? lol. Maybe in a couple more years... :)

Here's the biggest piece of news that's happened recently: I'm changing my work situation. Coming this November 11th, I'll be starting full-time at the medical office, and resigning my position with Woodcreek Church on the 13th. This was a huge decision process for me. I don't like decisions- never have. Choosing what to eat is hard enough, so imagine me coming to the conclusion that working in the church ministry I love, with the amazing Kidcreek ladies I adore... is no longer what I should do. When a full-time opportunity at the medical office arose, the pros simply outweighed the cons. When that starts to happen, you have to pray about it and make sure you aren't deceiving yourself. But, after much prayer, discussion with Jesse, and seeking advice from brilliantly wise family and friends, I felt an immense sense of peace about the entire thing. It's a hard transition, and it's still hard leaving the position, especially when I've enjoyed it so much. But, this is the right decision for Jesse and I. This decision will lead to a shorter work week, a larger paycheck, more time to slow down and to pursue more art and singing opportunities. If we decided or needed to move one day, I would be able to find a job in this field. I really enjoy the work, and there are tons of advancement opportunities. So yes, it's a hard transition, and I will MISS the church work hugely, but I'm happy with where God seems to be leading here.

So, that's what's going on right now. It's a pretty exciting time, and I feel very blessed right now. That's not to say life hasn't had it's hard moments. My stuttering is what I would characterize as "out of control bad". It's been that way for a while... I think I haven't gotten help because I'm afraid it won't work. But, I'm at the point where, now that I'll have more time (and more money for therapy), I'm going to pursue it. This has been the one truly difficult thing right now. I don't want to get into it to much, because it worries and upsets me deeply, but it's been so bad that I swear I'm inventing new ways to stutter lol. That is, my stutter is changing. There are much more blocks than repetitions, and my chest is so tight that I can't catch my breath. I'm horrified at these changes, and I easily become ashamed at how bad it's gotten. If you think of me, please pray for me in this area. It's been a hard struggle.

Additionally, Jesse's grandfather, Ned, passed away this morning. Although I only met him a few times, he struck me as a very kind and gentle man. I wish I had more time to get to know him better and spend more family time together. We'll be driving up to Nebraska this weekend to attend his funeral. Please pray for traveling mercies and for comfort for his wife, Marilyn and his children. Death makes you realize how important it is to love on everyone in your family. I'm so grateful I'll get to see mine soon.

Love to you all,
Madeleine

Hippy Post and Good Thing About Stuttering #1

I don't know about you, but often times, I receive the most spiritual encouragement from nature. I don't mean to say that I don't find Scriptures encouraging, or hanging out with other believers. I absolutely do. But Jesus must know about my inner nature-loving artistic hippy self, and so he sends good things to me thru nature. Seriously, how can enjoying God's creation do anything else but point to how majestic, creative, detail-oriented and constant God is?

Anyway, today as I walked in the already sweltering humidity (I don't love EVERY aspect of creation lol), I was hearing the early birds calling out to each other. I'm sure to the homeowners who live in that area, those birds must be very obnoxious. But there were two of them and they were singing in tandem. It reminded me of Bible verses that suggest that all nature is praising God every hour of every day. It might be "silent" to us, but every so often I get a glimpse of it. Today it was like I could understand those little birds, and it was something like this:

First bird: "Good morning! What a beautiful day! The Creator made another day for us to enjoy and praise His Name!"
Second bird: "Yes, good morning! I'm always scared that the night will last forever, but He always brings a new morning for us. How wonderful he is!"

Yes, I'm being a little silly, but you get my meaning (I hope). All Creation was subjected to the curse (read Genesis) and it longs to praise God fully, just like we do. That's just really cool and amazing to me.

So there I revealed a very hippy, kum-ba-ya, fantastical Madeleine. Hopefully it didn't put you off and it can encourage you a little.

This post has another purpose as well.

Last week, I was fortunate enough to get to go to the Echo Conference, a Christian organization that ministers to church artists, storytellers, and "geeks" as they called them (sound, lights, tech people). It was really an encouraging time of great advice for the job and also great spiritual advice to creative people. One of the break out sessions was about the lies we believe about ourselves, "I'm not good enough", "God can't really use me in ministry", "[this] aspect of my life makes me useless". They suggested that to refute those inner voices (because NO one's inner voice is positive, is it?), you should write down scripture to refute it.


Well, I've been believing some lies lately, particularly about my stuttering. Mainly, that "I am useless because of my stutter. I am ineffective, slow and ridiculous". It's easy to feel that way when practically all your experiences all day long point in that direction. Stuttering has been ... um.... honestly?.... driving me (pardon my french, but hopefully this word will accent just how bad it's been) ... bat shit crazy. I don't know who first put those words together to form a phrase, but bat shit crazy seems accurate. I don't know if it means I'm standing in bat shit and it's drove me crazy, or some insane bat just when haywire and shit relentlessly on my head. Regardless, that's how it's been. Now, hopefully you will get a chuckle out of that. But because of all this, I've decided I should write one positive thing about stuttering each day for... oh... maybe five days. Hopefully I can come up with new material. But if nothing else, it will help me focus on the good things that can come from being showered in bat shit.

Good Thing about Stuttering #1

I'm in good company. Here are some poeple who stuttered that you might not know of: James Earl Jones, Marilyn Monroe, Carly Simon, Emily Blunt, Mel Tilis, Bruce Willis, James Stewart, King George (if you want to see more, click here: http://www.stutteringhelp.org/famous-people-who-stutter).
Anyway, my favorite person who stuttered is Moses.

The guy is about as useless and fearful as can be. He killed a guy, ran away to a whole other country, spent the majority of his life hiding out in the desert watching sheep, and begged God not to send him to free the people of Israel. People give Moses a lot of flack, saying how terrible it is that he asked God so many times to "send someone else". Let me just say, that besides the being a murderer thing, I totally get the level of fear Moses has. He says, "Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and of tongue."

Man, I get it. I believe the same lies. Just because I'm not eloquent, this must mean God can't use me. Just because I'm freakishly awkward means that God can't use me to speak about His grace. Just because I am "slow of speech and tongue", this means I am not an effective sharer of the Gospel.

So what does God do in response to Moses' pleas? After getting a little frustrated with the guy, he says this: "Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you to speak and teach you what to say!"

Yup, that's right. God makes people deaf, mute, blind and stuttering. There's a purpose for it. And he promises to "help me to speak and teach me what to say".

Love it. Anyway, that's the good thing for today: that God promises to help me thru it. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Love ya.

Catching up and 1st Year of Marriage Summary!

Oh, my gosh, it's July, which means it's been almost three months since I last wrote on this blog. I think it's safe to say I am a bad, bad blogger. Sorry for the absence. Here's a few things that have been going on since then:

May-June: Jesse and I were rehearsing for the local Spring Valley United Methodist Church's community performance of "The Music Man". This involved quite a bit of work, especially for Jesse who was Harold Hill (I was Ethel Toffelmier, a small but fun role). This also meant a lot of work for me, as I often helped him run lines late at night.

July: The month of all months! My amazing family came down to visit during the week of the show. It was wonderful to see them, though I felt bad that I couldn't spend more time with them! I was busy finishing painting the sets and with rehearsals and performances. Then, on June 8th, Jesse and I celebrated our ONE YEAR anniversary! We didn't have much time to celebrate then, because the following week was VBS at Woodcreek Church. It was my first time helping with VBS and I loved it! That Friday, Jesse and I were able to escape to Eureka Springs, AR, for a brief but relaxing anniversary get-away. And on Saturday, we celebrated my (gulp) 27th birthday!

So, hopefully all this is sufficient reason for not tending to the blog. To put it simply: I've been busy.

And now, onto the main subject, which is... 
"Hey, ya'll, I've been married for a year!"
Where I give you an honest summary of how this first year has been:

(Are you excited?)

 Going into your first year, you don’t know what to expect really. Half the people you talk to say that the first year of marriage was “blissful, fun and romantic”. The other half insists it was one of their hardest years as couple. (Looking back, I can see that it totally depends on the couple and their personalities). So, as we returned from our honeymoon, I hoped for the best but sort of planned for the worst.

I ended up being pleasantly surprised. We had a seriously great first year. Of course, occasionally we’ve had our little arguments. These usually happen because we are tired, hungry, or we are moving! The move to Richardson was stressful, and we ended up fighting more during that hellish week (about things like packing tape and where we should put his bureau). But, at least for this first year, for me 95% of the time it has felt like an eternal slumber party with your best friend, who just happens to be a man. The other 5% is comprised of the hard stuff. I will briefly touch on those:

• 2.5% of that 5% is the “ahh-ha, he’s a man and so he’s different” scenarios. These can range from unwanted or unwelcome manly hobbies such as flatulence or burping to more serious things like differences in thinking. I sort of thought Jesse would analyze, learn and understand things similarly to the way I do. False! We've gotten angry with each other a couple times when he insisted I give him “the big picture” while I was trying to do so by explaining lots of details lol. Turns out, women and men are just plain different. Fortunately, so far, we’ve been able to be patient with each other’s mental differences.

• 2% of that 5% is my own sin nature. I once heard that, “marriage is like a mirror that shows you all of your issues, all your sin and all your selfishness”. At the time, I thought something like, “well, isn’t that quaint”. Nope. It’s true. If you had any blissful misconceptions about how you were an angel prior to marriage, holy matrimony certainly brings that “gunk” to light. And what could be more holy than that? (I’m not being facetious here). Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”. God designed marriage not just for happiness, pleasure or kids, but also as a tool to make us more like Jesus. So, anytime I’m being selfish and think “Jesse should do such-and-such and if he doesn’t, he’s not meeting my needs”, I get to examine if my expectations are right and holy… or if they are just plain selfish. Nine times out of ten, it’s me being selfish. Great. So, I get to sharpen Jesse and he gets to sharpen me. Pretty cool deal.

• 0.5% out of 5% is just because life is hard. It’s our first year, so we haven’t accumulated a whole lot of woes in that time. I’m sure within a few years the percentage will change and be higher. For now, life struggles were pretty okay. Things like my stuttering, jobs, occasionally family relationships, expenses, etc., can be difficult. I think it’s safe to say we’ve both enjoyed leaning on each other as well as God during those times. It’s nice to have your partner’s fresh perspective and their ability to be a sounding board when you need to vent or process.

Our young married's small group has been great for us as well. We've read several books on marriage, which have been full of valuable information. Also, it's been great to hang out with other couples in the same stage of life we find ourselves in. I like that no two stories are alike: some couples have/had a rough first year, some have a good one. This doesn't mean those with bad years are "doomed" or that those with good years will have great "easy" marriages (as if there is such a thing). I'm sure Jesse and I will have a bad year ... or tons... (ah!). We're just different enough, and I'm flawed enough that I know that I will probably end up punching him at some point (but, I'll be gentle, promise). I've heard the 3rd, 5th and 7th year are rough. All those prime numbers you know... proof that math is evil (ha). I think it just depends on the couple, plain and simple, and neither way is wrong or right.

So, I give this year an A. The only reason I don't give it an A+ is because I want to keep hope that other years will be just as good, if not better. I'm sure some years will be rough, but I wanna stay positive and go for that A+ at least one year. :) 

Love you, Jesse "Bear". Thanks for a great year! And here's to many more years- be they "good" or "bad". Sharing life with you is always good.

Big Sister Advice

Grieve when bad things happen... but don't be surprised. No one said life was easy or perfect. It's a messy flawed world full of messy flawed people. There is going to be grief. Don't let it throw you off or make you question your faith; that's when you need it! (John 16:33)

Pursue your dreams... but hold them loosely to heaven with outstretched arms. Remember you are here to serve, and God has great plans for you. So, go in the direction you feel called, but remember to check in with Jesus and make sure you are still on the straight and narrow (Jeremiah 29:11-14).

Don't follow your heart... follow God's heart instead. The world says you can trust your heart and the ever-changing emotions that flow from it. The truth is our hearts are sinful, with flawed motives and selfishness (Jeremiah 17:9). Trust instead in God's perfect love, and your decisions will be shaped by Him (Romans 12:2).

Pursue greatness in all you do... but don't think you are too lofty to perform humble tasks. You aren't too talented/smart/rich/well-dressed to work a dead-end job if need be, or scrub some toilets. (James 4:10).

Look to ideals for inspiration... but don't make the mistake of idolizing them. You'd like to dress more like that cute girl who is so well-dressed, or you'd love your life to be as romantic as a Jane Austin book. These are ok ideals, but if they become your world, you'll be discontent with what you have now. (1 Cor. 6:2)

Chase after goals... but know they won't come quickly or without sacrifice. This isn't an 80's movie montage. Your life's ambitions aren't going to come the year after you graduate. But that's okay; they wouldn't be worthy goals if you could accomplish them quickly. (Proverbs 21:5)

Look forward expectantly to the future... but don't miss out on today. You dream of affording a  nicer car, a cool apartment, a better job, getting married, having a baby, etc. All that is good, but enjoy the season you are in today. Each season in life is precious. (Psalm 118:24)

Equally Loved, Equally Forgiven

I haven't written for a while for two reasons: one, time is always an issue. It's hard to summon the energy to write after a long day, and my thoughts are not always creatively charged with brilliant writing ideas. I'd prefer to wait for those rare moments of inspiration. Two, I'm a little bit of a coward. I've had something on my heart for the past two months or so, and I've been slow to share. Maybe I've just been thinking on it and prayerfully considering what I'd say. But today, on my off-day from work, as I lay in bed scouring Facebook, it seemed like the right time.

I want to do a post on my thoughts about gay marriage. This is scary because of all the hoopla going on right now. I don't particularly love tension and I especially hate conflict. I'm not sure who my audience will be- whether my readers will agree or disagree. But here's what I want to write about: I want to explain the Christian response to homosexuality. On Facbeook lately, I've been accused of being hateful (and not just me, but every Christian). And my latest run-in with a sweet good friend and homosexual, left us "at peace", but with him saying I must be an idiot, to explain away my stance.

So, let me begin: Hi, I'm a Christian. I'm not hateful. I've never hated any person on the planet. The only thing I genuinely hate and loathe are beans. I'm not a rocket-scientist, but I definitely am not an idiot. And I want to explain why I both understand that, as a free nation, marriage equality has to happen, but also why I'm saddened by it.

For me, it starts with our relationships with God.

Some basic background: I'm starting with Genesis, but not in the way you think. I'm not going to bombast you with threatening speeches about Adam and Eve, rather than Adam and Steve. I'm going to talk about the Fall, because everything comes from that. In the Beginning, God created everything, and because He is good and wanted people to see that goodness, he created all of us. But in the garden, we sinned. We (our ancestors) chose to disobey God and break the only rule He had set up. When we did that, we saw our nakedness and sin, and sin entered our hearts. From that first day (however long ago it may be, I'm not arguing about creation), we have inherited our sin nature from our parents and their parents. We all sense it, even if we don't want to admit it. We are broken people, desperately searching to be happy, to be fulfilled, to be loved. We try to fill those gaping bleeding holes with the things around us that promise fulfillment: dream careers, money, family, sex, romance, etc etc. But those things don't bring us complete fulfillment. This is what every religion on earth seeks to answer: why are men broken and what can we do about it? I believe the answer to that is that souls were designed to be in fellowship with God.

Sin separates us from God. In the garden after the Fall, sin literally PHYSICALLY separated us from God. Prior to the Fall, Adam and Eve lived directly in the God's presence. He walked among them. He visited them, like a good friend. Afterward, they lived outside of God's presence, no longer with Him physically. For us today, sin separates us from God. Haven't you felt that? After really going off on someone, after lying to friend, after cheating on your spouse, don't you feel farther from God- like your soul is dirty and your conscious is blaring at you? So, we try and make amends by ourselves. And maybe our friends and spouses will forgive us. But what about our souls? Can we cleanse ourselves?
We can't get there on our own, because (again) we are flawed, sinful, messed-up people, and even our best attempts we have to recognize are selfish and mien in nature. How can people like us approach a perfectly holy and just God? Luckily, we have a promised Savior, a mediator , but I'll get to that later.

I believe engaging in homosexual sex is a sin. I'm not just pulling this out of nowhere because I "think it's gross" or I think I'm better than them. I want you to fully understand this: I understand that everyone sins, and that no sin is greater or worse than other. A gay's sexual sin is no greater than my own sexual sin. That gay man or woman and I are equally loved by God. That gay man or woman is made in God's image, and I am directly prohibited from judging them. But I do believe homosexual sex separates people from God, in the same way that heterosexual sex outside of marriage separates us from God. As a Christian, I believe the word of God (the Bible) is perfect. You don't have to, if you aren't a Christian. If you do profess to follow Jesus and believe the Bible to be failable, then you need to examine why you feel comfortable dismissing verses to fit your own life. The point of scripture is that it's powerful enough to change YOU, not the other way around. So, I encourage you to do some searching on that. Either Bible is true, or it isn't. You have decide that for yourself.

Anyway, here are the verses that have been on my heart regarding this issue:

1 Corinthians 6:9-11: "Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men, nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

This verse shows us that no one can get to heaven on their own, for who on earth hasn't done one of those things: either sexual sin or idolatry (worshipping something other than God), cheated on their spouse, homosexual sin, stole, struggled with greed, drank to escape their problems, spoken badly of someone else, cheated someone out of money, etc etc etc!? The point of this verse is not that homosexuals alone will not inherit the Kingdom of God- it's that EVERYONE will not inherit the Kingdom of God. Two thousand and some years ago, the disciples asked Jesus, "Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” The amazing good news- THE GOSPEL MESSAGE- is that God sent his Son to pay for our sins. This is the fundamental truth of Christianity: that all fall short of God's glory and that we NEED a Savior.

Wrapping it Up
As an American, I understand that the Marriage Equality act is going to be passed. From a secular standpoint- if I was going to forget all this Biblical information I know and the voice the Holy Spirit in my life- I would say it makes sense that we can't tell one group of people they CAN marry and one group they can't. And, I understand that Christians can't thump their Bibles and say "the Bible says this" and expect those who aren't Christians to obey. I believe Jesus is profoundly sad with the way a lot of Christians handle the homosexual issue. If I were a non-Chrisitan person looking at the Christian response with no understanding of the biblical background, I might also say: "you are hateful. How can you limit someone's happiness because of your beliefs". 

But hopefully now you understand what I'm saying: I'm not against equal marriage because I think homosexuals don't deserve to marry, or I think they are sub-human, or I think they are beyond redemption and that heterosexual people are better somehow. And while it does sadden me to see marriage- a creation of God- dismantled and re-created, that's not the issue either. After all, heterosexual married couples have been destroying marriage for a long time. We've perverted God's creation of marriage- the life-long bond between man and woman- long ago with our own sin and selfishness. I can't encourage homosexual marriage because I can't encourage homosexual sin. If all sin is damaging to the soul, and all sin separates us from God, how can encourage anyone to walk into a situation that would promote that soul death?

Directly to fellow Christians who are against marriage equality, I would offer this challenge: We've lived in this "Christian nation" for 200 plus years. Can it be that you've made America your home and hope, instead of heaven? We keep saying, "America is Christian nation"? Why? Because it was founded by Christians? What about the last hundred or so years has been Christ-honoring? Our civil war, the 20's hedonism, the 50's white-washing and perfectionism, the 60's sexual sin, the millions of babies aborted (and the millions of mother's lied to), the high divorce rate (equally high among Christians)... what among that says, "we follow Christ"!?! Beloved, remember that, "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Eph 6:12). Your struggle is not against the politicians, or against gays everywhere or the liberal agenda. Our struggle is, and has always been, against evil, and against the real agenda: Satan's plan to destroy us. So, pray for this country yes. And pray for our homosexual friends ensnared in sin the same way you would pray for your heterosexual friend ensnared in sin. But remember this is not our home. Jesus is coming back, and He will take His faithful to our real home.  It's evident it's about to get harder. We're gonna face real persecution: not the kind of slap on the wrist and name-calling we get now. So remember to fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and protector of our faith. 

“Yes. I am coming soon.”

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!

May the grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.

The Closing of one door, and the opening of another

Three months ago, a door opened. An opportunistic metaphorical door. I had an in with the SMU music faculty, and I decided I would pursue my Masters. I don't make decisions easily- I fear making the wrong choice. So I prayerfully pursued this opportunity, asking God to let me know if He didn't want me on this path. It takes to faith to move in a direction when you haven't gotten a clear yes or no. I remember hearing sermons on the necessity of waiting on the Lord for everything. And I believe there are times for waiting. But scripture is packed-full of instances when people pray, then try to choose the best option. In the end, God shapes what happens. The decision to pursue my Masters was like this. I didn't have a huge desire to go back to school, but when an opportunity opens, you should try, right?

Fast forward to last week. Friday. It was my last practice with my voice teacher before auditioning today. I sang my songs for her. Then she said six words that changed things quite a bit: "I don't think you should audition". I quietly listened as she explained that she thought I needed to work more on my musicianship, pronunciation and artistry before I audition for grad school. Fair enough advice, especially when you consider how I've been out of voice studies. This was appropriate feedback, and though it was difficult to hear, I was thankful for her honest input. But then she went on to say that she didn't think, as a stutterer, that I should get my Masters. It was a very long speech, so I will paraphrase it. She sited reasons like 'it would be difficult for me', 'I would have to give presentations and answer questions quickly', 'I would not be accepted at the school', and 'if/when I graduated, no one would even consider hiring me as a teacher'. I told her I would consider all this.

It took me a good four days to get angry. When she told me all this, I sort of swallowed it as a very bitter, but truthful pill. It seemed realistic enough advice, and she didn't mean it cruelly. In fact, I think she meant it to be kind. But the things she said were exactly what I always feared hearing: that secret voice that says, "No one will want you because of your stutter. No one listens to anyone you say. You are a joke, ridiculous. You are broken, and unusable". 

But on the fourth day, I did get angry. If I followed her logic, I would have to live under a rock or find a job that involves NO speaking. If anyone with a disability followed her advice, there would be no paraplegics in the Special Olympics, the blind would never venture beyond the safety of their homes, and no person with a disability would be hired. If I followed her logic, I would have to have to limit my dreams (and God's plans!) because of my stuttering. Not get my Masters because it's hard? What does she think- that my daily life trying to communicate is easy? Did she think I fought thru this many awkward conversations, terrible presentations and embarrassing scenarios to give up because "it's hard"?!? I got my BA with a stutter, I have been hired (and promoted!) by many companies, all of whom have said they would hire me again, I teach three students, and both of my current jobs require quite a bit of talking. Not only this, but my experience with the artistic world is quite the opposite: people are happy to hire someone who is capable but stutters. If nothing else, it's good PR! (I mean, come on, who doesn't want a cute stuttering girl as your mascot? lol terrible.... sorry). I understood the stress that would come from getting my Masters, and if it was God's will, I was prepared to meet those challenges. The issues with my singing are legit; I'm not perfect vocally and I need to grow more. But if I thought I had enough personal strength get my Masters, despite stuttering, she had no right to say differently. It was flat out discrimination, something I've never experienced so blatantly. 

So, now that I was angry, I had to make a choice: audition or not audition. For a long while this week, I thought about auditioning just to spite her! I had gleeful visions of standing up there on the stage in front of the panel, and singing their (and her) socks off. In that vision, she slinks over shamefully, handing me a full scholarship. (Evil laughter... ma ha haaaa).

But then I kept thinking. I kept thinking about how I still- after three months- wasn't anxious to return to classes again. I was dreading buying the books, returning to studying, paying that hefty tuition. The only thing I was really excited about was- you guessed it- singing. So, I sought some advice from past teachers and local friends. 

And I finally decided to do the anti-climatic thing and... not audition. 

Why? Because, one, I don't want to get my Masters right now. I finally figured that out, after three months of praying, and after this big event. I can pursue singing without getting my Masters, and paying that hefty tuition. And because, two, if I ever do get my masters, it won't be with that school, especially if what this teacher told me is representative of the whole school's creed on disabilities. Heck to the no.

Instead, I'm planning on taking private lessons locally with a truly amazing husband and wife team. I'm very excited about the vocal growth and possibilities it will bring. 

I'm feeling very at peace about the decision, and glad it's over. I knocked on that door, and it took a while, but I got my answer. "I don't want this after all". I guess sometimes you have to figure out the hard way. And sometimes God answers in a different way then you want. But that doesn't mean He doesn't answer. 

And, funny how things work out- God still provided me with a great, jam-packed artistic month full of choir concerts, performances, caricature drawings and a move to a great new apartment this Saturday.

The only thing bothering me now is the question, "What's going to happen to me now?" I had a plan, and the plan fell thru. Now, I find myself in the same place I've been for the past year and a half- sameness. And I have never liked sameness. I'm always looking for the next thing, and I want the next thing asap. So, maybe God has some more patience to teach me. And in a while, He will open some new door. But, I know God is completely trustworthy, and EVER trial we encounter grows our perseverance so that we will be "mature and complete, not needing anything"(1 Peter). But, I'm sure I'm going to keep singing. It's what I do! It's what God made me for! In whatever capacity He wants, I will keep singing.

"I will sing to the Lord ALL MY LIFE; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live"

Psalm 104:33